SCOTUS Overturns Controversial Defense Of End-Zone Act

In a 5-4 decision this morning, the Supreme Court overturned Section 3 of the Defense Of End-Zone Act (DOEZA), thereby granting gay ultimate players the right to score goals.  The move represents a huge victory for the gay-rights disc movement.

DOEZA, passed in 1996 and signed into law by President Bill Clinton, had imposed a national definition of scoring that prohibited national organizations, like USA Ultimate, from recognizing goals scored by gay ultimate players. 

“DOEZA is unconstitutional as a deprivation of the equal liberty of persons that is protected by the Fifth Amendment,” wrote Justice Anthony Kennedy, for the majority.  “Each person has the freedom to score goals as he or she desires, assisted by a person of his or her choosing, provided that that person can get open.  The government fails to demonstrate a compelling state interest in preventing gay players from scoring.” 

Dissenting from the majority, Justice Antonin Scalia insisted that the issue was “not within the powers of the Court to decide.  This is a local issue, not a federal one.  Individual pickup games and summer leagues should have the right to determine who may and may not score, and which goals will be recognized for official purposes.” 

USAU CEO Tom Crawford weighed in at a press conference immediately following the Court’s announcement. 

“We at USA Ultimate are thrilled by the Court’s decision today.  For years, USA Ultimate has petitioned the government to allow us to recognized goals scored by our gay players, but until today federal law has prevented it.  We are excited to extend full scoring abilities to our gay players, effective immediately. Today is a great day for civil rights.

“Plus, the spikes will be fabulous.”   

Poll: 99.5% of MLU Players Think Innova Pulsar is "Best Disc of All Time"

According to a new Ultiwhirled survey, 99.5% of Major League Ultimate’s 200 players think that the Innova Pulsar is “The Best Disc of All Time.”  Surprisingly, a similar percentage of players are not suspended for their teams’ regular-season finales this coming weekend. 

In the wake of these findings, and of Brandon Malecek's public negativity toward the Pulsar, Ultiwhirled reached out to several team captains from around Major League Ultimate for comment on the league’s official disc.  Here were their responses. 

"I just feel incredibly blessed to have been able to come to this country and play with this disc. Back in Venezuela, we only have Whammo's.  Playing with the Pulsar is a privilege for which I will always be grateful."  --Mauro Ortiz, Vancouver Nighthawks

"I don't know what Muffin was talking about.  The Pulsar is amazing.  Its flawless, rock-hard body reminds me of my own, and I'm pretty sure it lifts almost as much as I do.  I mean, look at those ridges; they're like the abs of a disc.  And the rim isn't 'deep,' it's just swoll.  Maybe Muffin's just blaming the Pulsar for that layout handblock I got on him."  --Daniel Kantor, DC Current

"If I had to describe the Pulsar in five words, it would be 'practically perfect in every way.'  It's basically the Mary Poppins of discs.  It wouldn't surprise me if the Pulsar spontaneously burst into a show-stopping musical number complete with cartoon animals.  In fact, wait...that would be kind of awesome.  Can we get someone on that?"  --Cody Bjorklund, Portland Stags

"The Pulsar is a disc with character, with resolve, with honor.  It has the heart of a champion, and it thrives in the biggest moments.  It's the kind of disc I would want my daughter to marry."  --Trey Katzenbach, Philadephia Spinners

"I love the Pulsar!  It's basically God's gift to ultimate.  I also love Friction Gloves, DeFeet socks, Five Ultimate uniforms, Elemental video encoding, and Waveborn sunglasses.  I don't know how I would play without any of that stuff, and I'd never want to.  You're writing all this down, right?  I want to make sure to go on record.  I love it all.  Wait, we don't have official compression shorts, do we?"  --Ben Faust, New York Rumble

Muffin Not Actually Suspended, Just Needed Break from Pulsar

Rumors swirled Thursday afternoon after reports that the Boston Whitecaps’ Brandon “Muffin” Malecek had been suspended by the MLU for posting a caustic review of the league’s official disc, the Innova Pulsar.  The reality, however, is far less exciting.  In fact, Muffin was not suspended but instead elected to take a personal day this Saturday, a much-needed break, he says, from having to throw the Pulsar. 

“Yeah, I just couldn’t deal with it anymore,” said Malecek in a Skype interview with Ultiwhirled.  “It has been a really long season, just game after game, every throw made worse by that shitty disc.  I don’t think I’d have half as many turnovers if we were using the Ultra-Star.  I decided to just take a step back and clear my head.” 

Malecek, known most for his serene self-awareness and ability to carefully regulate his emotion, insisted that it wouldn’t be a problem moving forward. 

“You know, honestly, I feel like writing that blog post just sort of crystalized the frustrations that had been building up,” said Malecek.  “I’d been kind of just burying everything ‘til this point, but I think it’s just time to give myself a day off, collect my thoughts, and get ready for the playoffs.”   

Continued Malecek, “Plus, seriously, I mean it’s the Rumble.” 

MLU Commissioner Jeff Snader confirmed via e-mail that Malecek’s absence was, in fact, voluntary.  Wrote Snader:

“Major League Ultimate firmly believes in allowing its players to freely express themselves, so I don’t know where you all would get the idea that we would suspend a player just for something like that.  I mean, seriously, look at how much freedom we give them.  They can choose how far they want to tuck their shirts into their jerseys, as well as what size of mandatory, official MLU socks to wear, and what kind of hat they leave on the sideline.  We respect freedom of expression, even when it’s whining about change.”  

Continued Snader, “With that cleared up, I’ll just say that I hope Brandon gets himself the break he needs.  Because apparently he can’t get one with a Pulsar.”  

Trey Katzenbach Comes Out as First Openly Old Player in MLU History

Trey Katzenbach is the captain and leader of Major League Ultimate’s Philadelphia Spinners.  He has been an NCAA basketball player, a doctor, and a father.  But today is special.  Today, he becomes the first MLU player in history to publicly come out as old. 

“I’m an ultimate player, I’m 42 years old, and I’m proud of it,” said Katzenbach in a landmark interview with Ultiwhirled, confirming long-standing rumors in the ultimate community. 

Katzenbach in action, captured by ultiphotos.com

Katzenbach’s announcement comes on the heels of the Rainmakers’ Elliot Trotter’s groundbreaking interview with OutSports, in which Trotter became the first MLU player to publicly come out as gay. 

After reading the OutSports piece, Katzenbach was inspired to make his own announcement. 

“It’s something I’ve known about myself for a long time, frankly,” said Katzenbach.  “And it just seems silly to hide it.  I’m not ashamed, and I think it’s healthy to just get everything out in the open.” 

Katzenbach hasn’t always identified as old; he says it’s something he has come to grips with gradually as he has matured.

“Honestly, I’m not quite sure when I first figured it out.  It’s not like you just wake up one day and decide to be old, or one day you’re old and you weren’t before.  But I think being old has been a part of me for a while.  Sure, I guess tried to hide it at first, but I’ve been open with my family about my age for years now.” 

Importantly, Katzenbach says he has also been open with his teammates and coaches throughout his entire professional ultimate career. 

“Oh, everyone involved within the Spinners organization has been totally supportive.  You know, there’s one or two jokes here or there, like: Trey, what was it like before they invented cleats? Or maybe: Trey, did Grover Cleveland have a good flick huck?  But it’s all good-spirited.” 

“They know that regardless of what year I was born…I’m going to go out there on the field and give it everything I have, and that’s all that anyone cares about.”

“Even if I did finish college before [teammate] Jonah [Wisch] was born.”  

In coming out today, Katzenbach wants to “give hope” to other players out there who are old, or who think they might be old. 

“I want to be a role model for them, so that they know that no matter who they love, or what decade they fell in love during, they can still keep playing and still achieve their dreams.” 

Though Katzenbach is the first MLU player to publicly admit to being old, statistics suggest that at least a few other old players are likely playing in the league right now.  Rumors have circulated for years about the DC Current’s Keven Moldenhauer, who has never commented publicly on the subject. 

Katzenbach admits that he knows of other old MLU players, but says it’s not his place to comment one way or another, and that those players will speak up “when they feel ready.” 

Until then, gentlemen, keep laying out.

(Just don’t break a hip, because MLU’s insurance isn’t that good.)

WhirledWind Releases 2013 Roster

WhirledWind 2013 seems primed for a championship run:

Alan Rickman

Amanda Bynes

Billie Jean King

David Bowie

Her Majesty The Queen

Hillary Clinton

Jay Carney

Jay Z

Jennifer Hudson

Jennifer Lawrence

John Oliver

Jon Cryer

Justin Bieber

Ken Dobyns

Ken Griffey, Sr.

Lucy Liu

Martha Stewart

Miley Cyrus

Mitch McConnell

Nate Silver

Neil Patrick Harris

Paris Hilton

Randy Jackson

Randy Johnson

Tiina Booth

Tina Fey

Zach Galifianakis

Poll: LeBron James Probably Athletic Enough to Play Ultimate.

As the country turns its collective sports gaze toward South Beach tonight for Game 7 of the Heat-Pacers series, a debate rages across Ultimate Nation: would LeBron James be any good at ultimate? The consensus: probably.

According to an UltiWhirled poll, 69 percent of ultimate players believe that the 6'8", 250 lb. Miami Heat forward would be an "Elite Level" player in the club ultimate scene if he were to switch sports today (a la Michael Jordan's baseball experiment). 

28 percent of respondents, however, answered "Fuck the Heat," while 3 percent asked "What's the NBA?" 

Among skeptics of the 4-time NBA MVP's chances of flatball success, several reasons were commonly cited. James was often deemed "too tall" (18% of total respondents), "too fast" (19%), "not clutch enough" (23%), or "fuck the Heat" (28%).