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Monday, October 7, 2013

Power of the Force Rankings: Mixed Division


All the talk nowadays is about "seeding predictions," but we know you've really been hankering for another round of UltiWhirled Power Rankings.  This time: the Power of the Force Rankings, in which teams are paired up with appropriate Star Wars characters, and ranked accordingly.  Nobody gets to be Luke or Anakin. 

Just for fun, and to give it a little 'Club Championships' spin, we've included a "Frisco  Tip" for each team, a little piece of advice from UltiWhirled for finding success at Nationals. 

May the force be with you!

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1) Cosa Nostra: Jabba The Hutt
Probably a handler. 
Cosa Nostra takes its name from a popular term for the mafia, and no Star Wars character is more like an old-school mob boss than Jabba the Hutt.  Immense, powerful, wealthy, and immune to Jedi mind tricks, he’s the head of a criminal empire that dabbles in everything from slavery, to smuggling, to leaving behind slime trails so gross they ought to be illegal.  

Frisco Tip: When a Jedi dressed in orange gives you a warning, pay attention. 


2) Wild Card: Lando Calrissian
The ultimate wildcard, Lando appears suddenly in the plot and dives headlong into shocking betrayal, the pursuit of redemption, and eventual heroism on an epic scale.  Lando somehow managed to lose the fastest ship in the galaxy to Han Solo in a game of cards, and we have a sneaking suspicion that he went all-in during a game of Uno.  

Frisco Tip: Double-check the hyperdrive.


3) Drag’N Thrust: X-Wing
Small, one-man fighters.  No shit.  These ships can hit a womp-rat-sized target while under fire and hurtling down a narrow trench.  And they look totally sweet, too.  Sure, nobody’s quite sure why the wings flip out like that, but it kind of gives the whole thing a Lamborghini feel.  Drag’N Thrust gets the X-Wing because…well…they fly and breathe fire (sort of).  

Frisco Tip: Don’t let Porkins drive. 


4) The Ghosts: Spectral Jedi
Seriously, why did this change?
This one’s a touch obvious, perhaps, but the spectral spirits of the dead Jedi Masters are pretty awesome nonetheless.  Bonus points for “Use the force, Luke.”  Un-bonus points for subbing Hayden Christensen into the Return of the Jedi DVD.  

Frisco Tip: It’s not a pick if you’re incorporeal. 


5) 7Express: The Millennium Falcon
If any team can make the Kessel Run in under twelve parsecs, it’s 7 Express, named after an express train route in New York’s subway system.  Apparently the “Super-Express” train runs straight to Mets games, but, really, who wants to go see the Mets?  The Falcon, on the other hand, is great—even if it is a little dirty and heavily used.  

Frisco Tip: Do not hide in that cave.  Trust us.


6) 7 Figures: The Cloud City
7 Figures is a self-described golf and polo club, interested in the expensive and fine things in life.  The Cloud City is basically the country club of Star Wars.  The Cloud City is short on defensive systems, but it’s the site of the most epic reveal in movie history.  

Frisco Tip: you might want to throw some locks on the doors to your utility tunnels. Someone could get hurt down there. 


7) Odyssee: Mon Mothma
Coach of the Year
Mon Mothma is calm and reserved on-screen, dishing out orders on how to destroy the Death Star, but she has a seriously epic history behind the scenes, an odyssey (get it?) that includes imprisonment, escape, war, and the founding of the Rebel Alliance.  Like Mon Mothma, Odyssee is a mystery, and much of their story happens off-screen (in Canada, in French, no less), so you’ll probably never know about it.  

Frisco Tip: Lighten up a bit; you’re dragging the mood down in the mission briefings. 



8) Chad Larson Experience: Figrin D’An and the Modal Nodes
Wait, who did I have?
Yes.  That’s the name of the cantina band.  Let that soak in for a minute.  Much like CLX, the cantina band is simultaneously bizarre and positively normal.  The Nodes help to set the tone for that Cantina scene, and they have that one really sweet song.  If the Chad Larson Experience can achieve the same energy at whatever passes for a Daiquiri Deck in Frisco, they should have a great weekend.  

Frisco Tip: Try something with lyrics. 


9) Ambiguous Grey: Boba Fett
Who is Boba Fett?  That’s a clone question, bro.  The kickass bounty hunter is one of the most ambiguous characters in the original trilogy.  Is he a good guy because he hunts down criminals, or a bad guy because the criminals he hunts are the good guys?  Where did he get that sweet jetpack?  Why doesn’t he speak?  Most importantly, did he manage to survive the Sarlacc pit, or was he slowly digested over the course of a thousand years?  We may never know. 

Frisco Tip: Silent stalling doesn’t count. 


10) Slow White: Storm Troopers
They’re slow, they’re dressed in white, and they can’t aim for shit.  You can count on one hand the blaster shots that storm troopers manage to land in the original trilogy.  Not a good sign for Slow White’s deep game.  To top it off, they’re absolutely terrible at hide-and-seek (hint: those were the droids you were looking for).  

Frisco Tip: Use cute animal stickers on your helmets to express your individuality.


11) Cahoots: Watto
Watto is totally a sleaze-ball, but he probably fits right in with Cahoots…primarily because he’s in cahoots with several other shady characters to run his price-gouging chop shop.  You know he’s a seedy fellow when Qui-Gonn has to invoke the Hutts to keep Watto honest.  

Frisco Tip: Save money on team hotel rooms by challenging manager to a roll of the chance cube.


12) Polar Bears: Wampa
Doesn't wear cleats.
The giant space-yeti that thrashes Luke in the beginning of Empire Strikes Back is pretty vicious and intimidating.  He thrives in the sub-zero temperatures of Hoth, but a simple lightsaber amputation sends him running.  You have to feel iffy about his chances of holding up well in the Texas heat.  

Frisco Tip: Swing by the Savage tent if you’re looking for a date.   



13) Mischief: Salacious Crumb
Few characters in Star Wars bring as much raw enjoyment of life to the table as Mischief does to ultimate, but Salacious Crumb might be one of them.  For the uninitiated, Crumb is that weird critter who hangs out next to Jabba and shrieks with laughter whenever anyone does anything.  He seems like a mischievous guy, and his name is Salacious Crumb, so we totally had to include him.  

Frisco tip: Watch out for droids with Tasers!


14) Steamboat: The Stolen Imperial Shuttle
It’s hot property, it’s beat-up, it has totally B.S. security codes, and it definitely shouldn’t have worked…but, hey, it did!  Similarly, Steamboat seems like they have absolutely no business getting past the Frisco defense shield, but for some unknown reason Darth Vader seems to have let them through.  

Frisco Tip: I don’t know…fly casual. 


15) AMP: Sebulba
That fast cutter who can't turn well.
We struggled a bit with this one, but we settled on Sebulba for a few reasons.  He’s a highly-ranked favorite in competition.  He’s always amped to the limit, on the racetrack and off.  He’s also the guy we could most easily imagine spitting on an opponent during a match (too soon?).  

Frisco Tip: Cops in Texas aren’t allowed to exceed 275mph, so if you get pulled over, just gun it. 


16) The D’OH Abides: Jar-Jar Binks
D’OH Abides draws the most Simpsonian of Star Wars characters: Jar-Jar Binks.  He’s a slapsticky fool, who never seems to learn from his mistakes, and he mostly just gets in the way of sensible people trying to avert war.  He has good intentions, but he’s more likely to inadvertently bring about the end of democracy than help. Thanks, D’OH.  

Frisco Tip: To ease tensions, resolve all contested calls in a thick Gungan accent.


Honorable Mention: Blackbird: Admiral Motti
He barely survives an early choking incident at the hands of Vader, only to be blown straight to hell in the Battle of Yavin.  Yikes.  

Power of the Force Rankings: Women's Division


All the talk nowadays is about "seeding predictions," but we know you've really been hankering for another round of UltiWhirled Power Rankings.  This time: the Power of the Force Rankings, in which teams are paired up with appropriate Star Wars characters, and ranked accordingly.  Nobody gets to be Luke or Anakin. 

Just for fun, and to give it a little 'Club Championships' spin, we've included a "Frisco  Tip" for each team, a little piece of advice from UltiWhirled for finding success at Nationals. 

May the force be with you!

____________________________________
____________________________________

1) Molly Brown: Princess Leia 

Can she hear a 'pick' through those?
Molly Brown is named after a famous feminist, one of the few survivors of a horrific disaster.  Leia Organa does well to pay tribute to that legacy.  She’s a powerful woman, a central character in a story that revolves too often around men deciding the fate of the galaxy.  Best Disney Princess ever.  

Frisco Tip: Send out a line with everyone sporting the Princess Leia double-cinnamon-bun hair.


2) Phoenix: Obi-Wan Kenobi
Obi-Wan is a good stand-in for Phoenix.  His emergence on Tatooine is a rebirth of sorts for the Jedi Order.  In a more personal sense, he sacrifices himself against Vader only to rise again more powerful than before.  Obi-Wan’s martyrdom reinforces Luke’s commitment to the Rebel Alliance, which is a pretty darn good thing, as it turns out.  

Frisco Tip: Hem the mysterious Jedi robes at mid-calf to avoid tripping. 


3) Fury: Emperor Palpatine 

Stalling one...come to the dark side
No Star Wars character better embodies Fury than Emperor Palpatine.  His reign of terror is seemingly unassailable, and he has an intimidating mental edge over all of his foes.  Sure, he can kill you with a blast of lightning if he wanted to, but he’d rather turn you over to the dark side, or watch you suffer in terror and pain.  

Frisco Tip: Sunblock.  Lots of sunblock. 



4) Brute Squad: Chewbacca
Chewie is a hilarious combination of brute strength and secret tenderness.  For some reason, everyone in the films understands the Wookie just fine, but the production crew doesn’t bother to subtitle him for the audience.  Kind of makes you wonder how many offensive Wookie curse words the FCC has broadcast, doesn’t it?  

Frisco Tip: Hydrate a lot; Dallas isn’t great with a fur coat. 


5) Scandal: Queen Amidala
Amidala is present for the three best political scandals in the prequel trilogy: her own secret double-life, her affair with Anakin (cradle robbing, that one), and Palpatine’s coup of the Galactic Senate.  Major bonus points for epic costume changes.  

Frisco Tip: Use the buddy system whenever possible.  It helps prevent getting lost or assassinated.


6) Nemesis: Darth Maul 

I bet you he throws with both hands
Darth Maul manages to totally dominate Episode I without saying a word.  His terrifying appearance, acrobatic swordplay, and perfect sense of the “OH SHIT!” moment more than make up for the lack of dialogue.  He’s the perfect nemesis for our Jedi…but he loses the big battle, which could be a bad sign for Nemesis.  

Frisco Tip: Don’t forget to throw in an unnecessary backflip with every deep cut. 




7) Schwa: C-3PO
Threepio is fluent in over six million forms of communication.  While we do wonder if any of those forms is a mating dance, we feel confident that this linguistic nerd is a good match for Schwa, whose name refers to a specific vowel sound.  Threepio’s main job throughout the series is comic relief, and Schwa may not be able to hope for much more than that in Texas.  

Frisco Tip: Try to drive your arms a little more while sprinting.


8) Showdown: “Duel of the Fates”
“Duel of the Fates” is that bone-chilling, dramatic opera-like song that plays in the background of all the major battles in the prequel trilogy.  It’s phenomenal battle music, and it totally sets the mood for the series.  As soon as the song starts, you know there’s about to be a major showdown.  Ass-kicking will ensue.  

Frisco Tip: Learn the words to “Duel of the Fates”; intimidate opponents by using it as a pre-game cheer. 


9) Riot: Wicket
Redefining squirrley. 
Wicket is that adorable Ewok that Leia befriends on the forest moon of Endor.  The Ewoks basically lead a riot—a popular uprising—of the apparently powerless against the soldiers of the Empire.  This success might be a good sign for Riot, who hope to finally bring an end to Fury’s reign as champion.  

Frisco Tip: Confiscate hats from every vanquished foe, so as to make a sweet drum set later in the weekend.


10) Nova: Greedo
Greedo’s appearance in Episode IV is brief, but it’s explosive and has far-reaching consequences.  Like Nova, he goes out with a bang, but he serves as a reminder that Han is no angel, and if threatened won’t hesitate to shoot first.  

Frisco Tip: Everyone in Texas is armed, so watch who you try to threaten in bars. 


11) Bent: Bib Fortuna 
You think he can throw with that?
Bib Fortuna is a weird dude.  He’s the pinkish guy at Jabba’s palace who has some kind of tentacle sprouting out of his head.  He seems to thrive on being as creepy as possible.  Off-screen, he has served as Jabba’s personal lackey for most of his adult life, even though he despises the Hutt so much that he has tried on multiple occasions to assassinate him.  If that’s not a little bent, we’re not sure what is.  

Frisco Tip: Respect disc space; stop creepily touching people.



12) Capitals: Coruscant
The capital of the republic, Coruscant is a city that covers a whole damn planet!  That’s worth a few points, for sure.  Unfortunately, there’s probably not a lot of green space to toss discs around, and building a city that big must have involved basically wiping out the entire planetary ecosystem and all of the native species.  

Frisco Tip: Leave the house early; it’s always rush hour somewhere in your city.


13) Heist: The Many Bothans who Died to Bring Us This Information
No one is quite sure who the Bothans are or what they look like, but we do know one thing: a lot of them died to pull off the most important heist in Star Wars—the theft of the Death Star plans.  Moment of silence.  Wait, maybe shouting.  Does anyone know how Bothans honor the dead?  

Frisco Tip: Be more careful when scouting other teams. 


14) Traffic: That One Star Destroyer that Totally Runs into the Death Star
Darth Vader’s personal Star Destroyer causes the biggest fender-bender of all time, when it crashes headlong into the Second Death Star.  The Battle of Endor is a fustercluck of an outerspace traffic jam, but how do you not see the freaking Death Star coming?  Traffic hopes to make an impact in Texas, but not that kind of impact.  

Frisco Tip: Check your mirrors before pulling out into the cutting lanes. 


15) Ozone: General Grevious 
He probably puts on a sweet mark.
General Grevious manages to wield four lightsabers at once, which you just know has to create a lot of ozone (SCIENCE!).  Unfortunatley, he’s so unoriginal for the Star Wars universe that he’s basically “Darth Vader: the Prequel.”  He’s more man than machine, speaks through a deep-voiced synthesizer, and has a nasty breathing problem.  

Frisco Tip: Don’t forget your inhaler.


16) Nightlock: Petranaki Arena
Nightlock takes its name from the Hunger Games series, so the team gets paired with Petranaki Arena, site of the chaotic melee in Episode II.  The good guys do win out, but the whole battle is part of Palpatine’s grand evil scheme, so the arena comes in dead last in the rankings.  

Frisco Tip: Zone is more effective than man when you’re outnumbered 50-to-1. 


Honorable Mention: Underground: Jawas
An early victory over wandering droids can’t prevent their eventual mass slaughter by imperial forces.