MLU Players to Strike for Less Money

A labor stoppage has brought Major League Ultimate’s inaugural season to a halt.  Players are demanding salary adjustment across the board and say they will not take the field until the league agrees to their demands. 

“It is both irresponsible and unsustainable for the league to continue to pay us this much,” said Moses Rifkin, captain of the Seattle Rainmakers and spokesman for the newly formed MLU Players Association.  “In this economic climate, and with the level of income that the league is currently receiving, what they’re paying us per game is exorbitant and wasteful.” 

MLU is reluctant to meet the players’ demands.  League officials have cited a need to pay the players some semi-respectable amount of money in order to save face. 

“While we understand the concerns the players have raised, MLU will not accept any reduction in player salary without careful deliberation” said MLU Vice President Nic Darling.  “Our executive committee approved a salary that is fair and—most importantly—is the absolute minimum we believe we can get away with if we want to call ourselves a ‘professional’ sport.” 

“This is not an arbitrary decision; it was based on careful market research…that also cost a lot of money,” insisted Darling.  

But players maintain that if they continue to receive pay at current levels, the league’s future will be in jeopardy. 

“How is the league supposed to survive to a second year if it keeps wasting all its money on paying player salaries?” asked Rifkin.

“Just look at the AUDL last year,” Rifkin insisted. “How many players actually got paid?  Basically none.  And the league still had to relocate or terminate most of its franchises.  We want MLU to succeed long-term, and we, as players refuse to take the field unless steps are taken to guarantee that stability.  The first step is cutting player salaries to something more manageable.”

For legal reasons, Rifkin could not directly answer questions about specific dollar amounts.  He directed reporters to the internet.

MLU Commissioner Jeff Snader commented on the controversy in a prepared statement. 

“Major League Ultimate takes the strike very seriously, and we will do everything in our power to resolve the issue as soon as possible and to once again provide spectacular entertainment to our legions of loyal fans,” read Snader. 

“It is our hope that negotiations will progress quickly, as the two sides are already fairly close in a per-game dollar amount.  Honestly, we couldn’t really be all that far apart to begin with.” 

It remains unclear whether the Flygirls are siding with the Players or the League.  

WFDF Refuses to Recognize IOC

 ST PETERSBURG—In a shocking development that has left much of the ultimate and sports community in a state of confusion, the World Flying Disc Federation has refused to recognize the International Olympic Committee. 

The IOC had earlier today officially recognized WFDF as the international governing body of ultimate, setting up a possible Olympic appearance in ultimate’s near future.  WFDF, however, declined to reciprocate. 

WFDF President Robert Rauch addressed a crowded room of sports journalists in Russia this morning. 

“The World Flying Disc Federation has great respect for the IOC,” said Rauch.  “The IOC has a long history of excellent organizational skills and an impressive membership base.  But while we are grateful to the IOC for its consideration, we cannot at this time offer our own recognition in return.” 

Rauch cited concerns over fundamental organizational values. 

“WFDF feels that the Olympics have a long way to go in terms of gender equality, youth participation, and particularly sportsmanship.  The Games’ reliance on referees and officiating removes all responsibility for honorable, spirited play.  Just look at what happened in Badminton last year.  Nothing like that could ever happen in ultimate.” 

Added Rauch, “Of course, we are also extremely wary of the troubling cultural association of the Olympics with the use of illicit substances.  Far too many Olympic medalists, particularly in high-profile events, have tested positive for banned substances, and we at WFDF want nothing to do with it.”

Asked whether the incomparable media exposure afforded by the Olympics would outweigh the clearly inferior spirit of competition at the Games, Rauch responded:

“Look, since when has ultimate been about getting recognition for what we’re doing?  Why do we care what outsiders think?  This game should be about the simple joy of competition.  Who cares about being seen on TV, or being given gold medals by some global sports body, or being seen by the worldwide sports community for the athletes that we are?  Competing on the high-profile international stage?  This isn’t us.  I mean, honestly, what do we stand for?” 

The IOC did not immediately respond to requests for comment.  

In-Depth Analysis: College Mixed Division Finals

UCF Calls "Mulligan." Finals vs. Pitt to be Replayed Tuesday.

In a surprising and unusual move, the UCF Dogs of War have called a mulligan on the finals today, erasing their devastating 15-8 loss to Pitt’s En Sabbah Nur in the championship game.  The finals will be replayed at the same time tomorrow afternoon, when Pitt will attempt a second defense of its first title. 

Apparently, during the pre-game disc flip, Pittsburgh captain Isaac Saul actually agreed to allow UCF a mulligan, if needed.  That decision is coming back to haunt him now.  

“Well, obviously, at the time I thought he was joking,” insisted an embarrassed Saul after the game.  “It was a really weird thing to ask for, so I just said ‘sure.’  I didn’t think they’d actually do it.” 

USAU officials briefly conferenced before upholding the mulligan call. 

“Whether a joke was intended or not is, at this point, impossible to say,” said National Open College Director Jeff Kula to reporters this evening. 

“Nevertheless, the presence of captains and the Tournament Director made the so-called mulligan agreement a legally binding use of the Captain’s Clause in the 11^th Edition rules.  The Clause allows team captains broad powers to modify the rules as they see fit, and nothing prevents such an agreement from including a do-over.”

When asked about potential fan-backlash, Kula reflected:

“I don’t think it will be much of a concern.  If they’re ultimate fans, they’re already used to watching do-overs on a regular basis.”  

Oregon Fugue Outraged at Poor Media Coverage

MADISON—The University of Oregon (Fugue) capped off a truly spectacular season today with a dominant 15-8 victory over Carleton (Syzygy) in the finals of the Women’s division.  But Fugue is anything but satisfied with the media coverage of the USAU College Championships. 

“It was atrocious,” said a visibly frustrated Sophie Darch at her post-tournament press conference.  “I mean, obviously I haven’t seen the footage of today, since we were too busy crushing Carleton in the finals.  But last night I watched the ESPN3 archives of the early rounds.  It was just sad.  You could tell the announcers were really mailing it in.” 

ESPN joined USAU for the College Championships this year, bringing an unprecedented level of exposure to the sport through ESPN3 online live-streaming and archive services and ESPNU tape-delay broadcasts. 

 “We’re really conflicted right now,” said Oregon coach Lou Burruss. “I mean, on the one hand, we’re proud of our team for pulling out the title.  We really stayed focused and did what we needed to do to win.  But I mean, seriously, what the crap, ESPN?  Was this your first time ever broadcasting ultimate or something?  Some of those camera angles were really weak, and the commentary was superficial to say the least.  We could use a little professionalism.” 

“It’s like…do they think we just do all this for fun?” said Fugue’s Jesse Shofner.  “That we work this hard, practice this long, play this much, just for fun?  Of course we don’t.  We do it so we’ll have awesome camera angles of us tooling on noobs with a sweet voiceover telling everyone how badass we are.”

"Honestly, we weren't even going to play this year," said Shofner.  "But when we heard that ESPN was doing the coverage we were like, 'Alright, hell yeah, let's do it.  Let's go get some kickass highlights.'  But now, I don't know...we just feel cheated.  It's kind of a hollow victory."    

Scores of ultimate players have taken to Twitter and Facebook to voice their displeasure with ESPN and support of Fugue’s position.  

ESPN could not be reached for comment.  There’s probably basketball tonight.  

Middlebury Pranksters Pull off Best Prank: Not Actually a D-III School

D-III Nationals has been rocked by yet another scandal this week, as it has come to light that the Middlebury Pranksters, open division champions, are not actually a D-III team. 

Apparently, Middlebury College is actually a large school of over 17,000 students in western Vermont.  The Pranksters simply registered as D-III, and no one at USAU called them on it. 

“We’re so stoked, but it’s also really funny,” said captain Jeff Hetzel.  “I mean, we never actually thought we’d get away with it.  All we did was go in and edit the school’s Wikipedia page to say we only had, like, twenty-five hundred students, and USAU let us play!”

Hetzel maintained that he was proud of his team’s performance this weekend, not only for winning the tournament and maintaining a lighthearted true-Prankster attitude, but for keeping the prank under wraps until the moment of the big reveal. 

“The thing about pulling off a prank like this is that it’s always about making sure you get through the whole thing before anyone cracks up,” said Hetzel.  “You just want to tell people so badly, but if one person lets on too early, you’re totally hosed.  I’m really proud of our guys for sticking to the story the whole way. “ 

A representative from USAU confirmed via email that the national governing body for ultimate in the United States had indeed been “thoroughly Punk’d.” 

Even Middlebury’s opponents had to agree that the entire prank was fairly hilarious. 

“Sometimes you just have to tip your cap to the other guy,” said Spencer Sheridan, captain of second-place finishers Puget Sound, with a laugh.  “They got us pretty good.” 

It is unclear whether any disciplinary action will be taken, but Hetzel maintains that, regardless of punishment, the prank was “definitely still worth it.”  

Bowdoin Players Test Positive for Performance-Enhancing Defense

In a shocking development, sources from USA Ultimate confirmed today that samples taken from the Bowdoin women’s team, Chaos Theory, at the D-III College Championship this past weekend tested positive for performance-enhancing defense. 

Chaos Theory won the D-III national title this weekend this weekend in Milwaukee, capping off an undefeated season.

“Bowdoin’s tests showed elevated levels of defense, almost across the board,” said Mike Kinsella, Chair of USA Ultimate’s Conduct Committee.  “Defense is, of course, naturally occurring in ultimate players, but the tests on Bowdoin’s players revealed implausibly high concentrations.  We at USA Ultimate take this positive test extremely seriously, and we will be handling the situation appropriately.” 

The precise consequences are unclear, as this is the first time a team has tested positive.  Kinsella declined to specify precisely which players had tested positive for D, or for what forms of defense, citing privacy pending the results of a full inquiry. 

“All I can say at this time is that a significant majority of Bowdoin’s players were on D for most of the tournament,” said Kinsella. 

Kinsella described the overall rate of defense among Bowdoin’s players as, “stunning and unprecedented.”

Several tournament officials originally raised the issue while watching Bowdoin complete one of the most dominant seasons in college ultimate history.  Chaos Theory won the title in a 15-5 blowout over Williams, allowing an average of just 4.7 goals per game over six games at D-III Nationals. 

That’s 4.7 goals per game. 

At Nationals. 

In fact, only once this season did any team score as many as 10 goals against the eventual national champions (it was Middlebury back on Mar 30^th). 

Bowdoin does not plan to contest the raw test-results, but plans instead to appeal based on an alternate explanation: that the elevated levels of defense were indeed natural.  A player for Chaos Theory spoke to UltiWhirled under conditions of anonymity. 

“Look, yes, we probably showed up as having a lot more defense than most teams this weekend,” said the player.  “But that’s really just because we kept crushing people.  Your body just naturally produces more D when you beat people into the ground by 10, 11, 12 points, game after game.  I’m confident that our appeal will be upheld.” 

Only time will tell.