SCOTUS Overturns Controversial Defense Of End-Zone Act

In a 5-4 decision this morning, the Supreme Court overturned Section 3 of the Defense Of End-Zone Act (DOEZA), thereby granting gay ultimate players the right to score goals.  The move represents a huge victory for the gay-rights disc movement.

DOEZA, passed in 1996 and signed into law by President Bill Clinton, had imposed a national definition of scoring that prohibited national organizations, like USA Ultimate, from recognizing goals scored by gay ultimate players. 

“DOEZA is unconstitutional as a deprivation of the equal liberty of persons that is protected by the Fifth Amendment,” wrote Justice Anthony Kennedy, for the majority.  “Each person has the freedom to score goals as he or she desires, assisted by a person of his or her choosing, provided that that person can get open.  The government fails to demonstrate a compelling state interest in preventing gay players from scoring.” 

Dissenting from the majority, Justice Antonin Scalia insisted that the issue was “not within the powers of the Court to decide.  This is a local issue, not a federal one.  Individual pickup games and summer leagues should have the right to determine who may and may not score, and which goals will be recognized for official purposes.” 

USAU CEO Tom Crawford weighed in at a press conference immediately following the Court’s announcement. 

“We at USA Ultimate are thrilled by the Court’s decision today.  For years, USA Ultimate has petitioned the government to allow us to recognized goals scored by our gay players, but until today federal law has prevented it.  We are excited to extend full scoring abilities to our gay players, effective immediately. Today is a great day for civil rights.

“Plus, the spikes will be fabulous.”   

Poll: 99.5% of MLU Players Think Innova Pulsar is "Best Disc of All Time"

According to a new Ultiwhirled survey, 99.5% of Major League Ultimate’s 200 players think that the Innova Pulsar is “The Best Disc of All Time.”  Surprisingly, a similar percentage of players are not suspended for their teams’ regular-season finales this coming weekend. 

In the wake of these findings, and of Brandon Malecek's public negativity toward the Pulsar, Ultiwhirled reached out to several team captains from around Major League Ultimate for comment on the league’s official disc.  Here were their responses. 

"I just feel incredibly blessed to have been able to come to this country and play with this disc. Back in Venezuela, we only have Whammo's.  Playing with the Pulsar is a privilege for which I will always be grateful."  --Mauro Ortiz, Vancouver Nighthawks

"I don't know what Muffin was talking about.  The Pulsar is amazing.  Its flawless, rock-hard body reminds me of my own, and I'm pretty sure it lifts almost as much as I do.  I mean, look at those ridges; they're like the abs of a disc.  And the rim isn't 'deep,' it's just swoll.  Maybe Muffin's just blaming the Pulsar for that layout handblock I got on him."  --Daniel Kantor, DC Current

"If I had to describe the Pulsar in five words, it would be 'practically perfect in every way.'  It's basically the Mary Poppins of discs.  It wouldn't surprise me if the Pulsar spontaneously burst into a show-stopping musical number complete with cartoon animals.  In fact, wait...that would be kind of awesome.  Can we get someone on that?"  --Cody Bjorklund, Portland Stags

"The Pulsar is a disc with character, with resolve, with honor.  It has the heart of a champion, and it thrives in the biggest moments.  It's the kind of disc I would want my daughter to marry."  --Trey Katzenbach, Philadephia Spinners

"I love the Pulsar!  It's basically God's gift to ultimate.  I also love Friction Gloves, DeFeet socks, Five Ultimate uniforms, Elemental video encoding, and Waveborn sunglasses.  I don't know how I would play without any of that stuff, and I'd never want to.  You're writing all this down, right?  I want to make sure to go on record.  I love it all.  Wait, we don't have official compression shorts, do we?"  --Ben Faust, New York Rumble

Muffin Not Actually Suspended, Just Needed Break from Pulsar

Rumors swirled Thursday afternoon after reports that the Boston Whitecaps’ Brandon “Muffin” Malecek had been suspended by the MLU for posting a caustic review of the league’s official disc, the Innova Pulsar.  The reality, however, is far less exciting.  In fact, Muffin was not suspended but instead elected to take a personal day this Saturday, a much-needed break, he says, from having to throw the Pulsar. 

“Yeah, I just couldn’t deal with it anymore,” said Malecek in a Skype interview with Ultiwhirled.  “It has been a really long season, just game after game, every throw made worse by that shitty disc.  I don’t think I’d have half as many turnovers if we were using the Ultra-Star.  I decided to just take a step back and clear my head.” 

Malecek, known most for his serene self-awareness and ability to carefully regulate his emotion, insisted that it wouldn’t be a problem moving forward. 

“You know, honestly, I feel like writing that blog post just sort of crystalized the frustrations that had been building up,” said Malecek.  “I’d been kind of just burying everything ‘til this point, but I think it’s just time to give myself a day off, collect my thoughts, and get ready for the playoffs.”   

Continued Malecek, “Plus, seriously, I mean it’s the Rumble.” 

MLU Commissioner Jeff Snader confirmed via e-mail that Malecek’s absence was, in fact, voluntary.  Wrote Snader:

“Major League Ultimate firmly believes in allowing its players to freely express themselves, so I don’t know where you all would get the idea that we would suspend a player just for something like that.  I mean, seriously, look at how much freedom we give them.  They can choose how far they want to tuck their shirts into their jerseys, as well as what size of mandatory, official MLU socks to wear, and what kind of hat they leave on the sideline.  We respect freedom of expression, even when it’s whining about change.”  

Continued Snader, “With that cleared up, I’ll just say that I hope Brandon gets himself the break he needs.  Because apparently he can’t get one with a Pulsar.”  

Trey Katzenbach Comes Out as First Openly Old Player in MLU History

Trey Katzenbach is the captain and leader of Major League Ultimate’s Philadelphia Spinners.  He has been an NCAA basketball player, a doctor, and a father.  But today is special.  Today, he becomes the first MLU player in history to publicly come out as old. 

“I’m an ultimate player, I’m 42 years old, and I’m proud of it,” said Katzenbach in a landmark interview with Ultiwhirled, confirming long-standing rumors in the ultimate community. 

Katzenbach in action, captured by ultiphotos.com

Katzenbach’s announcement comes on the heels of the Rainmakers’ Elliot Trotter’s groundbreaking interview with OutSports, in which Trotter became the first MLU player to publicly come out as gay. 

After reading the OutSports piece, Katzenbach was inspired to make his own announcement. 

“It’s something I’ve known about myself for a long time, frankly,” said Katzenbach.  “And it just seems silly to hide it.  I’m not ashamed, and I think it’s healthy to just get everything out in the open.” 

Katzenbach hasn’t always identified as old; he says it’s something he has come to grips with gradually as he has matured.

“Honestly, I’m not quite sure when I first figured it out.  It’s not like you just wake up one day and decide to be old, or one day you’re old and you weren’t before.  But I think being old has been a part of me for a while.  Sure, I guess tried to hide it at first, but I’ve been open with my family about my age for years now.” 

Importantly, Katzenbach says he has also been open with his teammates and coaches throughout his entire professional ultimate career. 

“Oh, everyone involved within the Spinners organization has been totally supportive.  You know, there’s one or two jokes here or there, like: Trey, what was it like before they invented cleats? Or maybe: Trey, did Grover Cleveland have a good flick huck?  But it’s all good-spirited.” 

“They know that regardless of what year I was born…I’m going to go out there on the field and give it everything I have, and that’s all that anyone cares about.”

“Even if I did finish college before [teammate] Jonah [Wisch] was born.”  

In coming out today, Katzenbach wants to “give hope” to other players out there who are old, or who think they might be old. 

“I want to be a role model for them, so that they know that no matter who they love, or what decade they fell in love during, they can still keep playing and still achieve their dreams.” 

Though Katzenbach is the first MLU player to publicly admit to being old, statistics suggest that at least a few other old players are likely playing in the league right now.  Rumors have circulated for years about the DC Current’s Keven Moldenhauer, who has never commented publicly on the subject. 

Katzenbach admits that he knows of other old MLU players, but says it’s not his place to comment one way or another, and that those players will speak up “when they feel ready.” 

Until then, gentlemen, keep laying out.

(Just don’t break a hip, because MLU’s insurance isn’t that good.)

WhirledWind Releases 2013 Roster

WhirledWind 2013 seems primed for a championship run:

Alan Rickman

Amanda Bynes

Billie Jean King

David Bowie

Her Majesty The Queen

Hillary Clinton

Jay Carney

Jay Z

Jennifer Hudson

Jennifer Lawrence

John Oliver

Jon Cryer

Justin Bieber

Ken Dobyns

Ken Griffey, Sr.

Lucy Liu

Martha Stewart

Miley Cyrus

Mitch McConnell

Nate Silver

Neil Patrick Harris

Paris Hilton

Randy Jackson

Randy Johnson

Tiina Booth

Tina Fey

Zach Galifianakis

Poll: LeBron James Probably Athletic Enough to Play Ultimate.

As the country turns its collective sports gaze toward South Beach tonight for Game 7 of the Heat-Pacers series, a debate rages across Ultimate Nation: would LeBron James be any good at ultimate? The consensus: probably.

According to an UltiWhirled poll, 69 percent of ultimate players believe that the 6'8", 250 lb. Miami Heat forward would be an "Elite Level" player in the club ultimate scene if he were to switch sports today (a la Michael Jordan's baseball experiment). 

28 percent of respondents, however, answered "Fuck the Heat," while 3 percent asked "What's the NBA?" 

Among skeptics of the 4-time NBA MVP's chances of flatball success, several reasons were commonly cited. James was often deemed "too tall" (18% of total respondents), "too fast" (19%), "not clutch enough" (23%), or "fuck the Heat" (28%). 

AUDL Poké-Rankings

Sometimes Power Rankings leave you feeling lost in the tall grass.  UltiWhirled has your back.  Here are the AUDL Poké-Rankings.  For when you gotta’ rank ‘em all!

Each team is assigned an appropriate pocket monster, and teams are ranked accordingly.  Nobody gets to be a legendary (looking at you, Philadelphia Ho-Ohs.  Generations I and II only.

#1—Rochester Dragons (Dragonite)

Type: Dragon/Flying

Description: The unbelievably powerful dragon that will crush (almost) all foes with ease.  Final stage of Dratini.

Verdict: Dragonite is amazing.  He has one of the highest attack scores in the game, and is immune or resistant to several common types.  He does have a quadruple weakness to ice-beam, so you’re boned if you run into one of those, but he can know flamethrower and thunderbolt, so it may not matter anyway.  You’ll wear out your thumbs training to get him (level 55!) but he’s worth it.

#2—Philadelphia Phoenix (Charizard)

Type: Fire/Flying

Description: The badass dragon of flame that has been with you from the beginning.  Final stage of Charmander.

Verdict: She once may have been a tiny, adorable lizard, but now she’s made of pure badass.  Immune to ground and wielding some powerful attacks and great stats, Charizard is going to burn out a lot of her opponents.  The quad-weakness to rock is a little alarming, but rock attacks have fairly low accuracy for the most part, so it doesn’t hurt as much as you’d think.  Major bonus points for being a starter-Pokémon. 

#3—Windy City Wildfire (Rapidash)

Type: Fire

Description: The wild, stunningly beautiful, fiery unicorn.  Evolution of Ponyta.

Verdict: He’s really fast and is a rare non-starter fire Pokémon, who can either stomp on your face or   He doesn’t quite have the stats you’d like for a core monster, but he makes up for it in cool. 
burn you to the ground.

#4—New York Empire (Nidoking)

Type: Poison/Ground

Description: Regal and powerful, the enormous king of all rodents, equipped with a deadly horn. Final stage of Nidoran(m); evolves with moonstone.

Verdict: Nidoking is big, scary, and imperial, and he can be acquired as early as level 16, which earns him huge bonus points.  The ability to crush face with one-shot moves like Horn Drill and near one-shots like Earthquake are great.  But still, the poison type isn’t a great one, so he can’t move up higher on the list.  There are just too many great psychic Pokémon out there. 

#5—Indianapolis Alleycats (Persian)

Type: Normal

Description: Elegant cat with sharp claws and a taste for fine jewelry.  Evolves from Meowth.

Verdict: Persian is basically a lioness, who matures from the gold-adorned cat, Meowth.  Being able to smack a foe and have coins materialize out of thin air is pretty cool, and her stats are decent.  She doesn’t get really good until later generations of the games, when she picks up a couple of neat abilities that make her quite the technician.  Probably not worth a spot on your main-quest Pokémon roster, but she’s a favorite of arch-badguys Team Rocket, so that has to give her some cred as someone to keep an eye on. 

#6—Detroit Mechanix (Magneton)

Type: Electric/Steel

Description: The triple-threat magnet beast that got a whole lot tougher the second time around.  Evolves from Magnemite. 

Verdict: In the first games, Magneton was pretty bad.  A slow electric type?  Lame.  But in the second generation, it picked up the new Steel type, which made it resistant to basically everything except fire- and ground-type attacks (and it was already getting killed by ground anyway).  So Magneton turned out to be pretty decent after all.  Alas, the speed factor is still a problem, so he can’t go any higher than here.  Still, you have to wonder how difficult is to make a decision with three separate brains linked together.

#7—New Jersey Hammerheads (Marowak)

Type: Ground

Description: Wear a goddamn skull for a helmet.  Enough said.

Verdict: You thought we were going to go with some sort of shark on this one, didn’t you?  Well, Marowak fits the Hammerheads just as well.  She’ll smash you in the face with her head and not feel a thing through the skull of a vanquished foe that she wears just for fun.  Also, she has a tendency to haunt memorials, so watch out if she comes down to play in DC. 

#8—Cincinnati Revolution (Smeargle)

Type: Normal

Description: The…um…actually, I’m not really sure how to describe this one. 

Verdict: Smeargle can only do one thing: once every ten levels, he can use the move Sketch to permanently copy a move that was just used against him.  Sounds dumb, sure, and it takes forever to get things right, but you can end up with some otherwise impossible, but really fun combinations.  Spore/Dream-Eater is probably the coolest idea ever.  Anyway, nothing screams ‘Revolution’ more than taking your opponents’ weapons and stealing them for yourself.  Go Smeargle!

Is that an amorphous protrusion in your
 side?  Or are you just happy to see me?

#9—Madison Radicals (Ditto)

Type: Normal

Description: The amorphous blob who reshapes himself to mimic foes. 

Verdict: In combat, Ditto is a useless one-trick pony.  BUT he has the uncanny ability to mate with anything that has genitals (no, seriously, Nintendo put that in the game), so he gets huge bonus points and a big bump up in the rankings for being very useful in breeding baby Pokémon eggs (also a thing).  What could be more Radical than a constantly-changing free-love hippy?

#10—Minnesota Wind Chill (Delibird)

Type: Ice/Flying

Description: What is he?  A chicken?  Whatever, he’s part ice and somewhat Christmas-themed. 

Verdict: Delibird is completely terrible, but he’s the only non-legendary ice-flyer, so in keeping with the rules, instead of Articuno, Minnesota gets Delibird.  Delibird only learns one move: Present, which can either damage or heal the targeted opponent.  On the bright side, he can learn TMs like Ice Beam, and the HM Fly, so he at least has some utility.  By far his best contribution to the gaming universe is his Supermarket-Sweep style Pokémon Stadium minigame.

#11—DC Breeze (Pidgey)

Type: Flying/Normal

Description: Yep.  She’s a pigeon. 

Verdict: Able to conjure a mighty breeze with the move Gust, and maybe throw some sand in your eyes.  But that’s about it.  Only the flying type and the ability to learn Fly make her more useful than the Pokémon who brings up the rear. 

#12—Toronto Rush (Rattata)

Type: Normal

Description: Yep.  He’s a rat. 

Verdict: Look, yes, for about a half hour Rattata is pretty good.  He’s kind of quick and he can do some good damage until you clear Viridian Forest.  His early Quick Attack move is what gets him matched up with the Rush.  But then what?  His stats are bad, he doesn’t have any type advantages, and he doesn’t learn any particularly interesting moves.  He can’t even learn any good out-of-combat moves.  At least a Metapod turns into Butterfree one day.  Rattata just gets fat.