College Player Tells Really Funny Joke about Women's Ultimate

PRACTICE, Wednesday— At practice yesterday afternoon, David told a solid joke about women’s ultimate, drawing raucous laughter from his teammates.  By all reports, it was funny.  Really funny. 

Despite the high concentration of iPhones at the field, no one caught the joke on video; however, several witnesses can confirm that the joke was indeed hilarious.  The joke centered on a few aspects of women’s bodies, particularly in comparison to those of men.  It succeeded in perfectly balancing its levels of condescension and stereotyping, with a tinge of creative analogy that made everyone on the team feel better about not playing NCAA football. 

“Yeah, man, it was great,” said Ryan to reporters after the incident.  “I mean, it was just, like, out of nowhere.  Super funny.  A little harsh, but super funny.” 

Several men’s players were impressed by David’s boldness in telling the joke. 

“Dude, it was kinda’ crazy.  He just dropped it on us, like, no-holds-barred, without even checking over his shoulder to see if all the girls had left yet,” said Eric, with a tone of unbridled admiration. 

“It was really risky,” said Phil, a senior English major on the team.  “You know, usually when you tell a joke about women’s ultimate, you have to play this game where you balance disparagement with an insistence on your own magnanimous tolerance of their inadequacy.  So you don’t come off as a total dick.  But, man, David just went for it like a badass.  What a guy.”  

The long-term effects of comedy are often hard to predict, but in the short term, the joke seems to have done quite a bit for David’s social standing within the team.  By mocking women, specifically women’s ultimate, David has managed to reinforce his own masculinity and athletic prowess—which, of course, is what matters here. 

“I’m pretty stoked that David told it,” said Ryan. “‘Cause, you know, women really are bad at Frisbee, and I had sorta’ forgotten that.  When David reminded us, I suddenly realized how good he looked by comparison.  Now, I totally want to hang out with him a lot more—and keep him on the A team next year, for sure.  Man, I should remember to invite that kid to our beer pong tournament this weekend.” 

Indeed, it seems we are all lucky that David has told that joke.  We are graced by his creativity, his stunning wit, his breathtaking manliness.  He has become yet another soldier in the long war against the idea that women’s ultimate might be worthwhile or its players admirable.  Fight on, friend.  Warrior.  Hero. 

ESPN at odds with USAU over MLU Jersey Sponsorship Program

In a surprising turn of events, ESPN has announced that it will attempt to block USAU’s blocking of MLU’s proposed college sponsorship program.

Earlier today, USA Ultimate had announced that it would prevent college teams from wearing MLU logos on sponsored jerseys, as per its uniform guidelines.  Now, it appears that USAU and ESPN are in direct conflict over the controversy.

ESPN spokesperson Robert Gibbs spoke to ultimate reporters at a press conference this afternoon, to explain the network’s position.

“ESPN appreciates that USAU wants to maintain a degree of autonomy with regard to jerseys and branding,” said Gibbs.  “However, if we are to continue our relationship with USAU, we must insist that the MLU sponsorship program continue unimpeded. 

Gibbs left the White House in 2011 to join ESPN

“When we signed a multi-year broadcast deal with USA Ultimate, we didn’t have any desire to make a profit, or to get out ahead of our competition in terms of broadcasting ultimate by signing with the most advanced and high-profile organization in the world.  We just wanted to promote the spirit of this beautiful and unique game to the best of our abilities, regardless of cost.” 

After an explosion of rapturous applause from the gathered reporters, Gibbs continued. 

“To turn around now, and to support exclusive branding—to privilege USAU over MLU—just because we happen to have a broadcasting contract with one, well, that would be hypocritical.  It would be a betrayal of ESPN’s entire involvement with ultimate.  If broadcasting the MLU logo for free all over ESPN3 allows MLU to take off and sign with another network, to compete against the programming we’ve already locked up and invested in, well…we’d be ecstatic.  Anything for the growth of the game.” 

Gibbs declined to comment on how, or whether, ESPN and USA Ultimate will resolve their differences, but at the moment, the situation looks grim.  

MLU Commissioner Jeff Snader ( @JeffSnader ) weighed in via Twitter, writing,

MLU maintains its commitment to growing the sport, and like @ESPN, we’re going to do so without regard to cost. #community

Snader followed up with:

If USAU continues to put its own image and profitability before the desires of its players, then the elite players will continue to turn elsewhere.  #freemuffin

At press time, USAU was unavailable for Twitter banter.

The Ultimate Thanksgiving Dinner

It’s Thanksgiving, and like most families, the ultimate family gathers each year for the holiday.  Here’s who’s coming to dinner this week: 

Stephen Poulos (Ring of Fire): The out-there uncle, who never really recovered from the early 1970s. 

Josh Zipperstein: The cousin who seems like he has been in grad school forever.  Seriously, wasn’t he already working on that degree when you graduated high school? 

Michele NG (Without Limits): The cousin who’s really into social activism and makes you feel kind of guilty for not doing more to help the world. 

Charlie Eisenhood (Ultiworld): The one who’s constantly taking notes “for his novel.”  He’s probably never going to finish it. 

Beau Kittredge (Spiders): Your older brother who still thinks he could’ve gone pro after college.  He’ll remind you of that every time a receiver drops a pass during the Thanksgiving Day games. 

Tiina Booth (ARHS): Your recently retired aunt who’s living it up now that she has some free time.  She can drink you all under the table. 

Opi (Scandal):  The ex who keeps getting an invite because everyone likes her more than whichever cousin she actually used to date. 

Tom Crawford (USAU): The grandfather who’s probably going to have a few too many drinks and start letting you all know how disappointed he is in you. 

Leila Tunnell (Brutesquad): Your sister who just loves singing, and keeps trying to get the Christmas carols started a month early.  You’re not having any of it. 

Elliot Trotter (Rainmakers): The gay one.  Or, at least, that’s how your grandmother sees him now that he’s “all open about his lifestyle.” 

Jeff Snader (MLU): The uncle whose business has really taken off this year, and who won’t shut up about it.  Just nod and smile. 

Robert Lloyd (AUDL): The rich uncle that everyone is unnaturally nice to, so they don’t get written out of the will.  

Outside the Cones: Expansion Crisis in the AUDL

The 2013 AUDL off-season has been marred by troubling news, as new information has come to light about the dangers of the frequent expansions that are an unfortunate reality of playing in the league. 

Many are now asking what the league knew, and when it knew it.  Players, fans, and parents of aspiring young athletes are all seeking answers, in what has become a public-relations disaster for the league.  Today, Outside the Cones investigates the expansion crisis in the AUDL. 

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The NFL has concussions.  The AUDL has expansions.

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Toronto.  New York.  New Jersey.  Philadelphia.  DC.  Chicago.  Madison.  Minnesota.  Each team represents another on-field expansion suffered during the 2013 AUDL season.  Each expansion brings unknown, potentially long-lasting consequences to the players involved.  Even relatively low-impact expansions that go almost unnoticed, like the Minnesota Wind Chill, can cause serious problems, like headaches, lowered self-esteem, a sharp drop in GPA or work productivity, and a cynical and defeatist attitude about the future of professional ultimate.  

Expansions have long been a danger of playing in the American Ultimate Disc League.  Even back in the AUDL’s early days as an 8-team league, the lasting effects of expansions often left players in dire straits.  

John Korber, former captain of the now-defunct Connecticut Constitution is one such player.  He sat down with Outside the Cones for this story.

“The AUDL was a great experience at first,” said Korber.  “In a lot of ways, it was a dream come true: playing professional ultimate.  Seeing the way those kids’ faces would light up, being part of this new, exciting way of playing this game, it was great. 

An expansion cost this former AUDL star his career.

“But then…the expansion changed everything.” 

In the middle of the 2012 AUDL season, Korber endured a gruesome and devastating expansion.  The AUDL sold the rights to a Boston franchise, the exclusive licensing territory of which collided forcefully with the established licensing radius of the Constitution.  The collision, and the ensuing legal battle, ended the Constitution’s season, and Korber’s AUDL career.  

“It just knocked me completely out.  Out of the season, and out of the league, I mean,” said Korber.  “It’s just like, one day you’re doing fine, the season’s going great, you’re playing well, and then…BAM!  Out of nowhere, someone infringes on your contractually guaranteed marketing potential, and it’s over.  Just like that.” 

A year and a half later, Korber has still not returned to the professional ultimate field, and it’s increasingly unlikely that he ever will.  There is no timetable set for his recovery. 

(Note: A chilling photograph of the actual expansion incident can be seen here.  The image was not embedded, because it is fairly graphic.)  

And yet, despite the obviously damaging effects of expansions, the AUDL has done nothing to abate the surge of expansion-related incidents.  The league added eight new teams for the 2013 season and saw a corresponding rise in the number of players voicing their dissatisfaction with the league’s handling of the issue.    

One outspoken player is Brodie Smith, the All-Star face of the Windy City Wildfire.  Smith has suffered an expansion-related injury in every AUDL season to-date. 

A devastating expansion head-shot.

“Of course I’m frustrated,” said Smith in a Skype interview on Sunday.  “Expansions are a serious problem.  They shouldn’t be taken lightly.  But I keep getting the sense that the league isn’t doing their job here.  They knew about the risks of expansions, and they allowed just as many new teams last year as the first season.”   

In fact, the AUDL is adding even more teams for the 2014 season, bringing San Jose, Vancouver, San Francisco, Salt Lake City, Montreal, and Seattle into the fold.  Rumors of a 30-team league in the near future have expansion experts on-edge.

“What feels really dishonest about it is that the league office hasn’t issued a single warning to players about the risks of expansions,” continued Smith. 

“So I wonder how many guys out there are signing contracts with no idea that they could still end up out of work, or injured, or even worse…playing for the Hammerheads.” 

Only time can tell how the league will address players’ concerns, but this much is certain: the controversy isn’t going away.  And, apparently, neither are the expansion teams.  

Power of the Force Rankings: Mixed Division

All the talk nowadays is about "seeding predictions," but we know you've really been hankering for another round of UltiWhirled Power Rankings.  This time: the Power of the Force Rankings, in which teams are paired up with appropriate Star Wars characters, and ranked accordingly.  Nobody gets to be Luke or Anakin. 

Just for fun, and to give it a little 'Club Championships' spin, we've included a "Frisco  Tip" for each team, a little piece of advice from UltiWhirled for finding success at Nationals. 

May the force be with you!

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See Also: Power of the Force Rankings: Women's Division

See Also: Power of the Force Rankings: Men's Division

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1) Cosa Nostra: Jabba The Hutt

Probably a handler. 

Cosa Nostra takes its name from a popular term for the mafia, and no Star Wars character is more like an old-school mob boss than Jabba the Hutt.  Immense, powerful, wealthy, and immune to Jedi mind tricks, he’s the head of a criminal empire that dabbles in everything from slavery, to smuggling, to leaving behind slime trails so gross they ought to be illegal.  

Frisco Tip: When a Jedi dressed in orange gives you a warning, pay attention. 

2) Wild Card: Lando Calrissian

The ultimate wildcard, Lando appears suddenly in the plot and dives headlong into shocking betrayal, the pursuit of redemption, and eventual heroism on an epic scale.  Lando somehow managed to lose the fastest ship in the galaxy to Han Solo in a game of cards, and we have a sneaking suspicion that he went all-in during a game of Uno.  

Frisco Tip: Double-check the hyperdrive.

3) Drag’N Thrust: X-Wing

Small, one-man fighters.  No shit.  These ships can hit a womp-rat-sized target while under fire and hurtling down a narrow trench.  And they look totally sweet, too.  Sure, nobody’s quite sure why the wings flip out like that, but it kind of gives the whole thing a Lamborghini feel.  Drag’N Thrust gets the X-Wing because…well…they fly and breathe fire (sort of).  

Frisco Tip: Don’t let Porkins drive. 

4) The Ghosts: Spectral Jedi

Seriously, why did this change?

This one’s a touch obvious, perhaps, but the spectral spirits of the dead Jedi Masters are pretty awesome nonetheless.  Bonus points for “Use the force, Luke.”  Un-bonus points for subbing Hayden Christensen into the Return of the Jedi DVD.  

Frisco Tip: It’s not a pick if you’re incorporeal. 

5) 7Express: The Millennium Falcon

If any team can make the Kessel Run in under twelve parsecs, it’s 7 Express, named after an express train route in New York’s subway system.  Apparently the “Super-Express” train runs straight to Mets games, but, really, who wants to go see the Mets?  The Falcon, on the other hand, is great—even if it is a little dirty and heavily used.  

Frisco Tip: Do not hide in that cave.  Trust us.

6) 7 Figures: The Cloud City

7 Figures is a self-described golf and polo club, interested in the expensive and fine things in life.  The Cloud City is basically the country club of Star Wars.  The Cloud City is short on defensive systems, but it’s the site of the most epic reveal in movie history.  

Frisco Tip: you might want to throw some locks on the doors to your utility tunnels. Someone could get hurt down there. 

7) Odyssee: Mon Mothma

Coach of the Year

Mon Mothma is calm and reserved on-screen, dishing out orders on how to destroy the Death Star, but she has a seriously epic history behind the scenes, an odyssey (get it?) that includes imprisonment, escape, war, and the founding of the Rebel Alliance.  Like Mon Mothma, Odyssee is a mystery, and much of their story happens off-screen (in Canada, in French, no less), so you’ll probably never know about it.  

Frisco Tip: Lighten up a bit; you’re dragging the mood down in the mission briefings. 

8) Chad Larson Experience: Figrin D’An and the Modal Nodes

Wait, who did I have?

Yes.  That’s the name of the cantina band.  Let that soak in for a minute.  Much like CLX, the cantina band is simultaneously bizarre and positively normal.  The Nodes help to set the tone for that Cantina scene, and they have that one really sweet song.  If the Chad Larson Experience can achieve the same energy at whatever passes for a Daiquiri Deck in Frisco, they should have a great weekend.  

Frisco Tip: Try something with lyrics. 

9) Ambiguous Grey: Boba Fett

Who is Boba Fett?  That’s a clone question, bro.  The kickass bounty hunter is one of the most ambiguous characters in the original trilogy.  Is he a good guy because he hunts down criminals, or a bad guy because the criminals he hunts are the good guys?  Where did he get that sweet jetpack?  Why doesn’t he speak?  Most importantly, did he manage to survive the Sarlacc pit, or was he slowly digested over the course of a thousand years?  We may never know. 

Frisco Tip: Silent stalling doesn’t count. 

10) Slow White: Storm Troopers

They’re slow, they’re dressed in white, and they can’t aim for shit.  You can count on one hand the blaster shots that storm troopers manage to land in the original trilogy.  Not a good sign for Slow White’s deep game.  To top it off, they’re absolutely terrible at hide-and-seek (hint: those were the droids you were looking for).  

Frisco Tip: Use cute animal stickers on your helmets to express your individuality.

11) Cahoots: Watto

Watto is totally a sleaze-ball, but he probably fits right in with Cahoots…primarily because he’s in cahoots with several other shady characters to run his price-gouging chop shop.  You know he’s a seedy fellow when Qui-Gonn has to invoke the Hutts to keep Watto honest.  

Frisco Tip: Save money on team hotel rooms by challenging manager to a roll of the chance cube.

12) Polar Bears: Wampa

Doesn't wear cleats.

The giant space-yeti that thrashes Luke in the beginning of Empire Strikes Back is pretty vicious and intimidating.  He thrives in the sub-zero temperatures of Hoth, but a simple lightsaber amputation sends him running.  You have to feel iffy about his chances of holding up well in the Texas heat.  

Frisco Tip: Swing by the Savage tent if you’re looking for a date.   

13) Mischief: Salacious Crumb

Few characters in Star Wars bring as much raw enjoyment of life to the table as Mischief does to ultimate, but Salacious Crumb might be one of them.  For the uninitiated, Crumb is that weird critter who hangs out next to Jabba and shrieks with laughter whenever anyone does anything.  He seems like a mischievous guy, and his name is Salacious Crumb, so we totally had to include him.  

Frisco tip: Watch out for droids with Tasers!

14) Steamboat: The Stolen Imperial Shuttle

It’s hot property, it’s beat-up, it has totally B.S. security codes, and it definitely shouldn’t have worked…but, hey, it did!  Similarly, Steamboat seems like they have absolutely no business getting past the Frisco defense shield, but for some unknown reason Darth Vader seems to have let them through.  

Frisco Tip: I don’t know…fly casual. 

15) AMP: Sebulba

That fast cutter who can't turn well.

We struggled a bit with this one, but we settled on Sebulba for a few reasons.  He’s a highly-ranked favorite in competition.  He’s always amped to the limit, on the racetrack and off.  He’s also the guy we could most easily imagine spitting on an opponent during a match (too soon?).  

Frisco Tip: Cops in Texas aren’t allowed to exceed 275mph, so if you get pulled over, just gun it. 

16) The D’OH Abides: Jar-Jar Binks

D’OH Abides draws the most Simpsonian of Star Wars characters: Jar-Jar Binks.  He’s a slapsticky fool, who never seems to learn from his mistakes, and he mostly just gets in the way of sensible people trying to avert war.  He has good intentions, but he’s more likely to inadvertently bring about the end of democracy than help. Thanks, D’OH.  

Frisco Tip: To ease tensions, resolve all contested calls in a thick Gungan accent.

Honorable Mention: Blackbird: Admiral Motti

He barely survives an early choking incident at the hands of Vader, only to be blown straight to hell in the Battle of Yavin.  Yikes.