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Monday, October 7, 2013

Power of the Force Rankings: Women's Division


All the talk nowadays is about "seeding predictions," but we know you've really been hankering for another round of UltiWhirled Power Rankings.  This time: the Power of the Force Rankings, in which teams are paired up with appropriate Star Wars characters, and ranked accordingly.  Nobody gets to be Luke or Anakin. 

Just for fun, and to give it a little 'Club Championships' spin, we've included a "Frisco  Tip" for each team, a little piece of advice from UltiWhirled for finding success at Nationals. 

May the force be with you!

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1) Molly Brown: Princess Leia 

Can she hear a 'pick' through those?
Molly Brown is named after a famous feminist, one of the few survivors of a horrific disaster.  Leia Organa does well to pay tribute to that legacy.  She’s a powerful woman, a central character in a story that revolves too often around men deciding the fate of the galaxy.  Best Disney Princess ever.  

Frisco Tip: Send out a line with everyone sporting the Princess Leia double-cinnamon-bun hair.


2) Phoenix: Obi-Wan Kenobi
Obi-Wan is a good stand-in for Phoenix.  His emergence on Tatooine is a rebirth of sorts for the Jedi Order.  In a more personal sense, he sacrifices himself against Vader only to rise again more powerful than before.  Obi-Wan’s martyrdom reinforces Luke’s commitment to the Rebel Alliance, which is a pretty darn good thing, as it turns out.  

Frisco Tip: Hem the mysterious Jedi robes at mid-calf to avoid tripping. 


3) Fury: Emperor Palpatine 

Stalling one...come to the dark side
No Star Wars character better embodies Fury than Emperor Palpatine.  His reign of terror is seemingly unassailable, and he has an intimidating mental edge over all of his foes.  Sure, he can kill you with a blast of lightning if he wanted to, but he’d rather turn you over to the dark side, or watch you suffer in terror and pain.  

Frisco Tip: Sunblock.  Lots of sunblock. 



4) Brute Squad: Chewbacca
Chewie is a hilarious combination of brute strength and secret tenderness.  For some reason, everyone in the films understands the Wookie just fine, but the production crew doesn’t bother to subtitle him for the audience.  Kind of makes you wonder how many offensive Wookie curse words the FCC has broadcast, doesn’t it?  

Frisco Tip: Hydrate a lot; Dallas isn’t great with a fur coat. 


5) Scandal: Queen Amidala
Amidala is present for the three best political scandals in the prequel trilogy: her own secret double-life, her affair with Anakin (cradle robbing, that one), and Palpatine’s coup of the Galactic Senate.  Major bonus points for epic costume changes.  

Frisco Tip: Use the buddy system whenever possible.  It helps prevent getting lost or assassinated.


6) Nemesis: Darth Maul 

I bet you he throws with both hands
Darth Maul manages to totally dominate Episode I without saying a word.  His terrifying appearance, acrobatic swordplay, and perfect sense of the “OH SHIT!” moment more than make up for the lack of dialogue.  He’s the perfect nemesis for our Jedi…but he loses the big battle, which could be a bad sign for Nemesis.  

Frisco Tip: Don’t forget to throw in an unnecessary backflip with every deep cut. 




7) Schwa: C-3PO
Threepio is fluent in over six million forms of communication.  While we do wonder if any of those forms is a mating dance, we feel confident that this linguistic nerd is a good match for Schwa, whose name refers to a specific vowel sound.  Threepio’s main job throughout the series is comic relief, and Schwa may not be able to hope for much more than that in Texas.  

Frisco Tip: Try to drive your arms a little more while sprinting.


8) Showdown: “Duel of the Fates”
“Duel of the Fates” is that bone-chilling, dramatic opera-like song that plays in the background of all the major battles in the prequel trilogy.  It’s phenomenal battle music, and it totally sets the mood for the series.  As soon as the song starts, you know there’s about to be a major showdown.  Ass-kicking will ensue.  

Frisco Tip: Learn the words to “Duel of the Fates”; intimidate opponents by using it as a pre-game cheer. 


9) Riot: Wicket
Redefining squirrley. 
Wicket is that adorable Ewok that Leia befriends on the forest moon of Endor.  The Ewoks basically lead a riot—a popular uprising—of the apparently powerless against the soldiers of the Empire.  This success might be a good sign for Riot, who hope to finally bring an end to Fury’s reign as champion.  

Frisco Tip: Confiscate hats from every vanquished foe, so as to make a sweet drum set later in the weekend.


10) Nova: Greedo
Greedo’s appearance in Episode IV is brief, but it’s explosive and has far-reaching consequences.  Like Nova, he goes out with a bang, but he serves as a reminder that Han is no angel, and if threatened won’t hesitate to shoot first.  

Frisco Tip: Everyone in Texas is armed, so watch who you try to threaten in bars. 


11) Bent: Bib Fortuna 
You think he can throw with that?
Bib Fortuna is a weird dude.  He’s the pinkish guy at Jabba’s palace who has some kind of tentacle sprouting out of his head.  He seems to thrive on being as creepy as possible.  Off-screen, he has served as Jabba’s personal lackey for most of his adult life, even though he despises the Hutt so much that he has tried on multiple occasions to assassinate him.  If that’s not a little bent, we’re not sure what is.  

Frisco Tip: Respect disc space; stop creepily touching people.



12) Capitals: Coruscant
The capital of the republic, Coruscant is a city that covers a whole damn planet!  That’s worth a few points, for sure.  Unfortunately, there’s probably not a lot of green space to toss discs around, and building a city that big must have involved basically wiping out the entire planetary ecosystem and all of the native species.  

Frisco Tip: Leave the house early; it’s always rush hour somewhere in your city.


13) Heist: The Many Bothans who Died to Bring Us This Information
No one is quite sure who the Bothans are or what they look like, but we do know one thing: a lot of them died to pull off the most important heist in Star Wars—the theft of the Death Star plans.  Moment of silence.  Wait, maybe shouting.  Does anyone know how Bothans honor the dead?  

Frisco Tip: Be more careful when scouting other teams. 


14) Traffic: That One Star Destroyer that Totally Runs into the Death Star
Darth Vader’s personal Star Destroyer causes the biggest fender-bender of all time, when it crashes headlong into the Second Death Star.  The Battle of Endor is a fustercluck of an outerspace traffic jam, but how do you not see the freaking Death Star coming?  Traffic hopes to make an impact in Texas, but not that kind of impact.  

Frisco Tip: Check your mirrors before pulling out into the cutting lanes. 


15) Ozone: General Grevious 
He probably puts on a sweet mark.
General Grevious manages to wield four lightsabers at once, which you just know has to create a lot of ozone (SCIENCE!).  Unfortunatley, he’s so unoriginal for the Star Wars universe that he’s basically “Darth Vader: the Prequel.”  He’s more man than machine, speaks through a deep-voiced synthesizer, and has a nasty breathing problem.  

Frisco Tip: Don’t forget your inhaler.


16) Nightlock: Petranaki Arena
Nightlock takes its name from the Hunger Games series, so the team gets paired with Petranaki Arena, site of the chaotic melee in Episode II.  The good guys do win out, but the whole battle is part of Palpatine’s grand evil scheme, so the arena comes in dead last in the rankings.  

Frisco Tip: Zone is more effective than man when you’re outnumbered 50-to-1. 


Honorable Mention: Underground: Jawas
An early victory over wandering droids can’t prevent their eventual mass slaughter by imperial forces.  

2 comments:

  1. please do pokemon again! i love your articles

    ReplyDelete
  2. Haha, C3PO, right on the nose (if he had one). At least Schwa did better than last year!

    ReplyDelete