USA Ultimate Hires ‘Moneyball’ Statistician Bill James to Run Advanced Metrics Bureau

Oh, wait, that last one is real.

Tuesday afternoon, USA Ultimate announced that it has hired legendary baseball statistician Bill James—of Moneyball fame—to spearhead the new Advanced Metrics Bureau, aimed at taking the ultimate fan experience to the next level. 

“Ultimate has made huge strides forward in terms of media exposure and fan viewership over the last few years,” said USA Ultimate CEO Tom Crawford at the press conference.  “But we’ve been lagging behind in terms of pretentiously complex statistics.

“Now, USAU is thrilled to announce that Bill James, father of baseball’s ‘sabermetrics’ movement, has joined the team, and will be providing us with extensive new statistical models for the game we all love.”

James, whose approach uses advanced numbers to find hidden value in players, spoke to reporters about his decision to quit his lucrative career in baseball statistics and join up with ultimate. 

Priorities.

“Well, frankly, baseball sucks,” confessed James. “Nothing happens.  I’ve made an empire out of inventing a thousand ways to count precisely just how much *nothing* will happen in any given baseball game. I just took a look at one more Opening Day…I had to get out.” 

But James is nonetheless happy about the potential for advanced stats in ultimate.  Said James,

“Well yeah, of course I’m excited.  I mean, when you consider how boring baseball is, it’s kind of a miracle.  We just got people hooked on the stats and the fools flocked to the games by the millions.  Just imagine what we can do with a game that’s actually mostly sports!” 

The new statistics, which James and USAU plan to start tracking this summer with the 2014 Club Season, aim to find all sorts of hidden value that ultimate players have never known their teammates had.  

Some reporters raised concerns about USA Ultimate’s limited resources, and how all these new statistics could possibly be in place in time for the club season. But USAU officials seemed confident in reassuring the crowd.

“Don’t worry; it’ll be fine,” said Crawford.  “We’re just going to make a new tab in Score Reporter.”  

Buckle up. Moneyflatball is coming.  

'Oh, Just Get a Room Already!' Declares Frustrated Ultimate Nation

The charged and awkward tension between Major League Ultimate and USAU has reached nearly unbearable levels in the last few days, and exasperated players across the country are telling the two distraught bureaucracies to just get it over with and screw before everyone else goes crazy. 

“Geeze, I wish they would just get it out of their systems already,” said Atlanta Ozone Captain Alison Douglas.  “It’s so obvious that they’re into each other, but neither one of them wants to admit it.  It’s getting really uncomfortable around here, and we can all see where this is going.” 

Definitely 3x hornier than before

The social heat has been escalating gradually over the last year and half, as MLU and USAU have been forced by mutual friends to spend a lot of time together, dancing around the uneasy and inconvenient truth of their clandestine carnal desires. 

“Lately it just seems they turn every little thing into an argument” said UNC Darkside captain Christian Johnson in a post-tournament interview at the Stanford Invite last weekend. 

Well now it looks like a condom wrapper...

“Someone gives a friend a couple of shirts, someone double-books the friends for the weekend...everything turns into some overblown fight, and all of a sudden it’s character attacks all out of proportion.  I wish they would just do it already, so we can go back to normal. It’s really uncomfortable to hang out with them right now.”

Apparently, USAU and MLU have been struggling with these secret feelings since late 2012, when MLU broke up from an intense, but unstable, year-long relationship with another league.  Still, the barely-concealed lustful glances and outright self-denial are starting to bother even some of the leagues' dearest friends. 

“Yeah, this is getting ridiculous,” said Tiina Booth, newly-retired coach of Amherst Ultimate.  “I mean, I taught high-schoolers for decades, and never once did I see anything this bad.  Crazy, stupid teenagers and their hormones, and none of them were as oblivious or as hung up as these two.  MLU and USAU just need to set pride aside and go for it, because this is, frankly, unsustainable.” 

It remains unclear when—or if—the two leagues will ever finally give in and share a night of spirited exchange.  One can only hope they’ll find some high release before their relationship is irreparably damaged.  The Ultimate Nation waits with bated breath.

UPDATE: 2:35PM ET

MLU released the following statement via Twitter within minutes of this story’s publication:

“I don’t know what you guys are talking about. It’s not like that at all. USAU is just a jerk and annoying and gets on my nerves all the time”

“I mean, maybe USAU is into me, but there’s no way I’d go there. Not a chance.” 

USAU responded seconds later:

“Oh shut the f**k up, @MLUltimate. Get over yourself. Go back to the gym and lift some more. #jackass” 

“And when you’re done, go ahead & come back & stretch shirtless in front of everyone like you always do! Like anyone wants to see that!” 

The Ultimate Academy Awards Preview

Today we bring you the Ultimate Academy Awards Preveiw.  For each category, we’ll tell you the favorites to win, and give you our pick for who we think is likely to go home with the award.  

Best Performance in a Championship Role

Scandalously dominant. Was Frank Underwood behind this?

The Favorites: Team USA (World Games); Scandal, Drag’n Thrust, Revolver

Our Pick: Scandal

—Team USA was dominant, and Revolver reminded everyone of how truly outstanding they are.  But we have to go with Scandal.  The ladies from DC not only upset Fury to end San Francisco's unprecedented run of titles, but absolutely destroyed the seven-time-defending champs.  Seriously, they doubled them up 14-7. 

Best Performance in a Semifinal Role

The Favorites: Wild Card, The Ghosts, Sockeye, Scandal (Again)

Our Pick: The Ghosts

—Sockeye was excellent, Scandal steamrolled, and the sentimental pick is probably Wild Card (a second-year team that made it to semis!).  But the huge rally the Ghosts put up in the semis deserves recognition—they went from down 13-7 to down 14-13 before Drag’n Thrust closed the door.  That takes some crazy undead focus powers, and if The Ghosts take home the Tosscar, Jeff Graham should give the acceptance speech.

Best Dramatic Roster Move

The Favorites: Beau Kittredge (to San Jose Spiders), Peter Prial (to DC Current), Lindsey Hack (to Chicago Nemesis). 

Our Pick:  Hack.  

—The knee-jerk reaction is probably to say Beau, since he's widely recognized as the best player in the game.  But MLU works on one-year deals, so it’s not that weird.  We’re going with the shocking, mid-season transfer of Raleigh Phoenix founder (and Captain) Lindsey Hack to Chicago Nemesis. Even if people put on nice faces to the public, you know it would have made one heck of a TLC reality show behind the scenes. 

Best Performance in a Comedic Role

The Favorites: MLU Jesus, UltiWhirled, USU Altimate; Sludge.  

Our Pick: UltiWhirled.

—Nepotism is a bitch. Good luck next year, guys.

Best Performance in an Unintentionally Comedic Role

The Favorites: Rhino (Chasing Frisco), Blackbird (Back in Black), The Philly Spinners (Screw You Guys, We're Going Home)

Our Pick: Rhino

Rhi-nooooo!

—Rhino faces tough competition in this category from the Philly Spinners, who in 2013 went off to start their own pro league (MLU) after demolishing the 2012 AUDL…only to finish in last place against better competition (pretty darn funny, if you ask us).  But, in the end, we think Rhino’s epic end-of-season saga will prove too much to overcome.  A last-second change to Score Reporter to snag Streetgang’s bid, only to have Furious George play a questionable last-second ‘tournament’ against Voodoo to become Series-eligible…and ultimately steal Rhino’s bid.  That’s some dark, ironic comedy right there.

Best Performance in a Leading Troll

The Favorites: Ultiwhirled (The Mercy Rule); Brandon Malecek (Muffingate); NexGen (A League of Their Own).

Our Pick: Malecek

—We were pretty proud of ourselves for getting the AUDL to respond seriously to a fake tweet, but even we acknowledge that we fell short of the masters.  When Muffingate swept smartphones across the country, most people took Malecek’s criticism of the Pulsar at face value.  Behind closed doors, however, Muffin actually loves the Pulsar. The entire blog-post explosion and subsequent suspension was just a ruse to get publicity for the league, team, and new Innova disc.  A flawless performance by Malecek, with a strong supporting performance by Jeff Snader and the MLU.

Best Bureaucratic Clusterfuck:

The Favorites: USAU (The Nationals Format Change); MLU (Muffingate); The AUDL (36 Teams LOL)

Our Pick: USAU

—Although MLU and the AUDL each had some compelling cases this year, we’re still going with the last-minute USAU Club Championships format changes.  USAU (also nominated in this category for The Northwest Bid Allocation Disaster) managed to deliver an astounding performance in this category this year, despite an overall well-managed first TCT season.

Best Animated Short:

We're thinking Julia Roberts as Ng

The Favorites: Josh Markette (Ironside/Whitecaps); Brett Matzuka (Ring of Fire); Michelle Ng (Phoenix); Allison Maddux (Scandal)

Our Pick: Michelle Ng

—Matzuka's quick, precise on-field performance is almost as amazing as his Charlie White-like hair.  But Michelle Ng brings the balance of on-field awesomeness and off-field activism better than anyone else.  She travels the country making the world better for women ultimate players.  This story just shouts Academy Award. 

Best Gender Mixing:

The Favorites: Team USA (all of them)

Our Pick: Team USA

—This award isn't really in doubt. The US went undefeated in all three gender-divisions of U23 Worlds, as well as in the mixed-only World Games. Who cares if we suck at hockey? 

Best Original Score:

The Favorites: Tyler Kinley (Sockeye); Lisa Pitcaithley (U23 Worlds); Jeff Graham (Whitecaps); Cara Crouch (Showdown)

Our Pick: Pitcaithley 

—Crouch did great to land hands-first, and Graham gets some serious bonus points for making SportsCenter. But we’re going with Pitcaithley all the way.  It's an international-competition layout grab through contact with a closing defender. Dang.

Best Visual Effects:

The Favorites: ESPN/Delrico Johnson (Superman); Sludge Ultimate (Logo Re-designs); USAU (NationalsTXEvent Guide)

Our Pick: ESPN/Johnson 

—Johnson got his own segment on ESPN, without jokes about hippies or dogs, and they gave him a graphical overhaul to boot.  That’s hard to beat.   (Note: Sludge has done a lot of logo redraws this year.  Flip through the blog and twitter for them).

In Memoriam: Southpaw; New Jersey Hammerheads; MLU Jesus (for now); NexGen Tour; Nexgen League; Score Reporter; Fury’s Championship Streak; and Your Team’s Chances of Making Regionals since Alex Broke her Wrist Playing IM Basketball.