Follow on Twitter

Follow UltiWhirled on Twitter: @ulti_whirled

Wednesday, March 2, 2016

In Stunning Upset, Donald Trump Elected as Team Captain

Donald Trump was elected Captain at your team’s annual meeting last night. The final results are still being tabulated, but analysts are in near-universal agreement that Trump’s election threatens to tear the team apart before the Series gets underway.
"Stalling one...two...three...!"

Despite a week of aggressive attacks by the team’s longest-tenured players, the Donald won out by a surprising margin. His promise to “Make the Team Great Again” resonated with players, despite an utter lack of specifics on how he planned to achieve this renaissance. 


Trump’s Campaign Platform:
  1. Make the Team Great Again
  2. Build a “Yuge, Beautiful Wall” as the foundation of the team’s defense, with all the tall players up front. In fact, he’ll make the other team’s players join the wall, too.
  3. Get roster spots back from China.
  4. Beat all the other teams. All of them. We’ll just beat them.
  5. The classiest, most luxurious golden uniforms. Alternate colors: white-on-white-on-white.
  6. All local fields will be renamed Trump Field, so we can use them whenever we want.
  7. No Muslim players. Or Mexicans. They’re terrorists and rapists, and some of them, he's sure, are nice people, but it’s too dangerous to risk a roster spot until we can figure out what the hell is going on. 
  8. All player nicknames will be drawn from famous historical dictators, because on some level you gotta' respect a guy who's a leader, unlike Obama or the other Washington hacks. 
  9. Disputed calls will be settled via waterboarding, and a heck of a lot worse, because even if it doesn't work, they deserve it. And we'll go after their families on the sidelines, too.
  10. Female players who challenge him will be benched for a week, so they can get off their period or whatever.

Speaking to a crowd of 15,000 supporters gathered outside Allison's house after the meeting, Trump displayed the characteristic confidence and bluster that has won over so many of your teammates:

“We’re gonna’ have the best plays, and we’re gonna’ have the best people in charge of coming up with our plays, and we’re gonna’ do a lot of great things to turn this team around and make the team great, like we used to be, before all these bozos took control.  You're gonna' love this team, and everyone will love this team. And we’ll be looking at a lot of different ways to make that happen.”

“And it starts with China, and it starts with Mexico!” added the Donald, to raucous applause.

The upset comes after a week of criticism by team leaders, whose favored candidates garnered underwhelming support from the average players. Mr. Trump—whom leadership characterized as an unathletic first-year player with no clue what he’s doing on the field—somehow kept gaining support all week, mystifying pundits and team elders alike. 

“I know he doesn’t have a flick, and he has no idea what the rules are, but that’s part of what makes him so appealing. He’s really rich and he says what he wants to say, which is what I think our team needs right now,” said Miriam, a Trump supporter.

“I just think he’s the right guy to make this team great again. He’s the only one who can help us beat all the other teams—and that bitch, Hillary Clinton.”

Trump’s sarcastic, irreverent grandstanding seems to have resonated with players who are tired of what they see as liberal-activist calls for Spirit and Sportsmanship. Said Trump at his victory speech:

“The other teams totally stink, and they’re all just pathetic losers.  And our cheers are gonna’ reflect that. And I’ll tell you what else, we aren’t going to worry about political correctness either! I dare USAU to come after us! We’re gonna’ sue the pants off them. We’ll sue them so hard they’ll go running for Canada, or Sweden. And they can take Bernie Sanders with them. And that’s how we’re gonna’ Make This Team Great Again! Thank you!”

The gathered masses erupted into orgasmic ethnocentric cheers as Trump waved and walked offstage, flanked by several Secret Service agents—all of whom appeared to be seriously questioning their career choices.

Outgoing Captain Derek spoke with Ultiwhirled after the election, saying:

“Frankly, I'm saddened and disappointed that so many of my reasonable teammates felt they had better things to do last night than come to the team meeting. I really didn’t think our team had a white-supremacist caucus.”

Friday, October 30, 2015

The Ultimate Halloween: 7 "Sexy Undead AUDL Team" Costumes for Under $10

If you believe the internet, vampires are hot. Well, at Ultiwhirled, we figure that if you’re already going 'sexy' and 'undead' for your Halloween party, you might as well go all-in this year and make it an ultimate theme, too. In honor of the recently deceased Lions and Dragons, here are our suggestions for seven “Sexy Undead AUDL Team” costumes that you can make for under ten bucks:

Sexy Connecticut Constitution:
What to Wear: Plain white cotton t-shirt, blue athletic shorts. Borrow a sharpie and write “Connecticut” on the front (careful with spelling). Eyeblack and wide receiver gloves are a must. To sexy it up, use a pair of scissors to trim the shirt and expose your midriff.
Signature Pickup Line: “Hey, baby, I’d love to show you the meaning of Due Process. How do you feel about a two-thirds majority?”
Power Move: Celebrate the 21st Amendment like it’s your 21st birthday. When the cops come to break up the party, school them with your knowledge of the 4th amendment protections against unreasonable search and seizure. Throw around phrases like “Do you have a warrant?” and “Am I being detained?”

Sexy New Jersey Hammerhead:
What to Wear: Blue shirt. Yellow socks if you have them. Paint your face grey. Buy some $0.50 vampire fangs. (Optionally, swing by the dollar store and buy a plastic toy hammer from the kids aisle; tape it like a fauxhawk to the top of a Jets hat borrowed from a friend. Hat must be worn backwards.) For maximum sexiness, go full Jersey and cut off your sleeves.
Signature Pickup Line: “Stop. Hammertime.”
Power Move: Go hard, talk a big game, get absolutely hammered in the first hour, and pass out in the backyard.

Sexy Salt Lake Lion:

What To Wear: Go pick up the cheapest cat-ear headband you can get (preferably yellow or brown--should be about 3 dollars at a local party shop). Paint golden whiskers on your face. Don’t shave. Wear a white, short-sleeved dress shirt, dress pants, and a tie. Wear a name-tag, and carry a shoulder bag full of 11th edition rule-books printed off the internet. (Note: this costume doesn't get sexy before marriage.)
Signature Pickup Line: “Can I interest you in some ultimate literature? It really is a wonderful game that teaches great values.”
Power Move: Don’t drink, and be really nice to everyone. Offer free rides home for anyone who wants one. Propose a party-wide scrabble competition.

Sexy Rochester Dragon:
What to Wear: Wear multiple shades of blue. Bend a couple of coat-hangers to make a frame for wings; use construction-paper and tape to make the membranes; attach the whole wing-contraption to a couple of your belts, so you can wear it like a backpack. Sexify this costume by cutting weak-points in your shirt's soft underbelly. (Bonus Option: wear a coonskin cap or carry around a toy rifle, to honor your Buffalo Hunter days, but refuse to discuss it.)
Signature Pickup Line: “You liked the Hobbit?  Well, Smaug and I are tight. I could introduce you.”
Power Move: Show up early. Note the next three guests to arrive. Hold out longer than any of them. Even if you have to switch to coffee, you can’t go home until at least an hour after they do.

Sexy Rhode Island Rampage:
What to Wear: Black shorts and the most obnoxiously orange shirt you can find.  Wrap a paper-towel tube in orange construction paper.  Use a string to attach it to your head. You can customize the sexy factor here by how exactly you choose to sculpt your rhino horn.
Signature Pickup Line: “You know, the Sumatran rhino has two horns. Care to see my second?” 
Power Move: Show up twenty minutes late. Blame traffic. Steal the guy Connecticut has been hitting on all night.

Sexy Columbus Crane:
What to Wear: Dark blue athletic shirt and shorts. Go pick up one of those $2 bags of feathers at a costume shop. Use Elmer’s safety school glue and stick a bunch of feathers around your collar and edges of your sleeves, as if your inner crane is just barely contained. Costume made sexier by how many people will try to see how far down the feathers go. Wear a white OSU cap. 
Signature Pickup Line: “No I’m serious. We had a team. Stop laughing!”
Power Move: Be the Lincoln Chaffee of the party. Have no scandals. Do nothing memorable. Leave the party at 10:15pm. Go to bed and don’t text anyone.

Honorable Mention: Sexy Philadelphia Spinner:
What to Wear: Red athletic shirt, white pants. Either use construction paper (with manila folder backing) to make a huge game-spinner to carry around with you...or go full on Flavor Flav and bring the clock on your wall as a necklace. Every time you take a drink, turn a full circle. For maximum sexiness, drop and do push-ups in the middle of the party until Coach tells you to stop.
Signature Pickup Line: “When I look at you I get dizzy; it's like the whole world spins around you.”
Power Move: Challenge the hottest girl to a dance-battle at midnight. When you win, cut the music, hop up on a table, proclaim the party a ‘bunch of bullshit,’ and announce that you’re leaving to start your own party. To build a sense of mystery, invite only the first eight people to express interest. Make sure to post a bunch of Instagram videos from your new shindig.

Thursday, October 8, 2015

Where No Team Has Gone Before: AUDL Snubs Boston again, Announces 2016 Mars Expansion

The Martian Manhunters are coming to the AUDL in 2016.

The league announced the new expansion team early Friday morning, confirming the rampant overnight Twitter rumors, with a tweet of their own that shocked the ultimate world: 

“Hey, @MarsCuriosity! Want to throw? #ultrastartrek #AUDL2016 #mudl"  
 @theaudl; 8 Oct 2015;6:03AM EDT
"Selfie at the fields! California, you know what's up."--Curiosity

AUDL Commissioner Steve Gordon spoke to reporters two hours later, during a press conference at his New York office. 

“The AUDL is thrilled to welcome the Manhunters to the fastest-growing semiprofessional disc sport league in this world or any other,” said Commissioner Gordon. "We're confident that the Manhunters will be a great addition to the League."

The announcement comes as a slight surprise, since the general consensus in recent weeks among pro ultimate insiders has pointed toward possible franchise locations in either Boston or Beantown -- with an outside chance of North-North-North-East Providence.

“I’ll admit, this comes as a bit of a shock," said Evan Lepler on his daily ultimate talkshow on ESPN Radio. "We all thought Boston for sure. With the whole Connecticut-Rhode Island thing well in the rearview mirror now, I would've thought the AUDL would finally be getting into in Boston."

Lepler was referring to the AUD's legal trouble during its first season back in 2012. The league sued two of its founding teams, the Rhode Island Rampage and Connecticut Constitution, over the rights to the Boston territory, which the league had previously sold to those teams. The league asserted the legal principle of habeas dibsus and argued that its contracts were, in technical terms, shittus bulli. The teams settled and exited the league rather than pay fees and fines out of their ample profits.

Since then, despite widespread speculation and hope, the league has repeatedly declined to expand into Boston or challenge MLU for control of one of the East Coast’s prized markets. For 2016, the league has once again passed over the city of brotherly sports entitlement, to the disappointment of untold dozens of Boston-area AUDL fans.

At the press conference, Commissioner Gordon addressed the choice of Mars over Boston for the 2016 expansion Manhunters:

 “We considered every possible market. Boston was seriously considered—as were many others, including St. Louis, Denver, and co-finalist Anchorage. We feel like we’ve done our homework, and we’re confident that 2016 is exactly the right time to tap into the emerging Martian market.

“Are there some logistical issues to work out? Sure. I don’t really know how low gravity and minimal air pressure will affect the disc.

“But let’s face it, Mars is hot right now. NASA’s announcement about liquid water…Matt Damon’s new movie…I mean, if the dude from Dogma can get tens of millions of Americans to pay to sit through a two-and-a-half-hour movie, I’m sure we can get twice that to come watch an actual, live sporting event.”

Early response from outside parties seems promising from a business standpoint. The Manhunters have reportedly received interest from potential corporate sponsors, including Spirit Airlines, Red Bull, and 21st Century Fox, and from possible fan-service partners, SpaceX and VirginGalactic. A political strategist for GOP Presidential front-runner Donald Trump has confirmed that the candidate has inquired about naming rights to the Manhunters' stadium.

Nonetheless, many are skeptical about the league’s decision to place a franchise on Mars, including Ultiworld's 2015 Women's Club Player of the Year, Leila Tunnell, who criticized the league's choice in a phone interview, saying:

“It just smacks of opportunism and sensationalism.  They’re cheaply cashing in on the buzz right now. I mean, seriously? Boston is clearly a great ultimate town that could support a franchise. We [Brute Squad] just won the USAU title, and I’m sure Ironside finished second or third or something. This is the place to be for ultimate. But the AUDL picks Mars over us? That’s just plain shortsighted.”

But even some critics have admitted the expansion plan has a certain sense of logic.

“I’m not totally sold on Mars,” said Ultiworld's 2015 Men's Club Player of the Year, Cassidy Rasmussen. “It sounds like a difficult location, what with public transportation being such a concern for residents. But if that’s what it takes to grow the sport and reach new audiences, it’s probably worth it. Plus, it can’t be any worse than Salt Lake City.”

Commissioner Gordon insists that the move is fully in-line with the league's philosophy about monetization and expansion as drivers for growing the game.

“We are innovators in business and in sport,” said Gordon. “We push the boundaries and expand aggressively. We believe in the potential of free enterprise, and in the value of spreading this great sport. We’ve always said that there’s a market for this game, even if we have to make that market ourselves.  If you build it, and if you advertise it, they will come.”

Asked whether the league plans on experimenting with a women’s division any time soon—Martian or otherwise—Gordon immediately replied:

“No. Given current market forces, it just doesn’t make business sense.”

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

USA Ultimate Hires ‘Moneyball’ Statistician Bill James to Run Advanced Metrics Bureau

Oh, wait, that last one is real.
Tuesday afternoon, USA Ultimate announced that it has hired legendary baseball statistician Bill James—of Moneyball fame—to spearhead the new Advanced Metrics Bureau, aimed at taking the ultimate fan experience to the next level. 

“Ultimate has made huge strides forward in terms of media exposure and fan viewership over the last few years,” said USA Ultimate CEO Tom Crawford at the press conference.  “But we’ve been lagging behind in terms of pretentiously complex statistics.

“Now, USAU is thrilled to announce that Bill James, father of baseball’s ‘sabermetrics’ movement, has joined the team, and will be providing us with extensive new statistical models for the game we all love.”

James, whose approach uses advanced numbers to find hidden value in players, spoke to reporters about his decision to quit his lucrative career in baseball statistics and join up with ultimate. 

“Well, frankly, baseball sucks,” confessed James. “Nothing happens.  I’ve made an empire out of inventing a thousand ways to count precisely just how much *nothing* will happen in any given baseball game. I just took a look at one more Opening Day…I had to get out.” 

But James is nonetheless happy about the potential for advanced stats in ultimate.  Said James,

“Well yeah, of course I’m excited.  I mean, when you consider how boring baseball is, it’s kind of a miracle.  We just got people hooked on the stats and the fools flocked to the games by the millions.  Just imagine what we can do with a game that’s actually mostly sports!” 

The new statistics, which James and USAU plan to start tracking this summer with the 2014 Club Season, aim to find all sorts of hidden value that ultimate players have never known their teammates had.  

Some reporters raised concerns about USA Ultimate’s limited resources, and how all these new statistics could possibly be in place in time for the club season. But USAU officials seemed confident in reassuring the crowd.

“Don’t worry; it’ll be fine,” said Crawford.  “We’re just going to make a new tab in Score Reporter.”  

Buckle up. Moneyflatball is coming.  

Thursday, March 6, 2014

'Oh, Just Get a Room Already!' Declares Frustrated Ultimate Nation

The charged and awkward tension between Major League Ultimate and USAU has reached nearly unbearable levels in the last few days, and exasperated players across the country are telling the two distraught bureaucracies to just get it over with and screw before everyone else goes crazy. 

“Geeze, I wish they would just get it out of their systems already,” said Atlanta Ozone Captain Alison Douglas.  “It’s so obvious that they’re into each other, but neither one of them wants to admit it.  It’s getting really uncomfortable around here, and we can all see where this is going.” 

Definitely 3x hornier than before
The social heat has been escalating gradually over the last year and half, as MLU and USAU have been forced by mutual friends to spend a lot of time together, dancing around the uneasy and inconvenient truth of their clandestine carnal desires. 

“Lately it just seems they turn every little thing into an argument” said UNC Darkside captain Christian Johnson in a post-tournament interview at the Stanford Invite last weekend. 

Well now it looks like a condom wrapper...
“Someone gives a friend a couple of shirts, someone double-books the friends for the weekend...everything turns into some overblown fight, and all of a sudden it’s character attacks all out of proportion.  I wish they would just do it already, so we can go back to normal. It’s really uncomfortable to hang out with them right now.”

Apparently, USAU and MLU have been struggling with these secret feelings since late 2012, when MLU broke up from an intense, but unstable, year-long relationship with another league.  Still, the barely-concealed lustful glances and outright self-denial are starting to bother even some of the leagues' dearest friends. 

“Yeah, this is getting ridiculous,” said Tiina Booth, newly-retired coach of Amherst Ultimate.  “I mean, I taught high-schoolers for decades, and never once did I see anything this bad.  Crazy, stupid teenagers and their hormones, and none of them were as oblivious or as hung up as these two.  MLU and USAU just need to set pride aside and go for it, because this is, frankly, unsustainable.” 

It remains unclear when—or if—the two leagues will ever finally give in and share a night of spirited exchange.  One can only hope they’ll find some high release before their relationship is irreparably damaged.  The Ultimate Nation waits with bated breath.


MLU released the following statement via Twitter within minutes of this story’s publication:

“I don’t know what you guys are talking about. It’s not like that at all. USAU is just a jerk and annoying and gets on my nerves all the time”

“I mean, maybe USAU is into me, but there’s no way I’d go there. Not a chance.” 

USAU responded seconds later:

“Oh shut the f**k up, @MLUltimate. Get over yourself. Go back to the gym and lift some more. #jackass” 

“And when you’re done, go ahead & come back & stretch shirtless in front of everyone like you always do! Like anyone wants to see that!” 

Thursday, February 27, 2014

The Ultimate Academy Awards Preview

Today we bring you the Ultimate Academy Awards Preveiw.  For each category, we’ll tell you the favorites to win, and give you our pick for who we think is likely to go home with the award.  

Best Performance in a Championship Role
Scandalously dominant. Was Frank Underwood behind this?
The Favorites: Team USA (World Games); Scandal, Drag’n Thrust, Revolver
Our Pick: Scandal
Team USA was dominant, and Revolver reminded everyone of how truly outstanding they are.  But we have to go with Scandal.  The ladies from DC not only upset Fury to end San Francisco's unprecedented run of titles, but absolutely destroyed the seven-time-defending champs.  Seriously, they doubled them up 14-7. 

Best Performance in a Semifinal Role
The Favorites: Wild Card, The Ghosts, Sockeye, Scandal (Again)
Our Pick: The Ghosts
Sockeye was excellent, Scandal steamrolled, and the sentimental pick is probably Wild Card (a second-year team that made it to semis!).  But the huge rally the Ghosts put up in the semis deserves recognition—they went from down 13-7 to down 14-13 before Drag’n Thrust closed the door.  That takes some crazy undead focus powers, and if The Ghosts take home the Tosscar, Jeff Graham should give the acceptance speech.

Best Dramatic Roster Move
The Favorites: Beau Kittredge (to San Jose Spiders), Peter Prial (to DC Current), Lindsey Hack (to Chicago Nemesis). 
Our Pick:  Hack.  
The knee-jerk reaction is probably to say Beau, since he's widely recognized as the best player in the game.  But MLU works on one-year deals, so it’s not that weird.  We’re going with the shocking, mid-season transfer of Raleigh Phoenix founder (and Captain) Lindsey Hack to Chicago Nemesis. Even if people put on nice faces to the public, you know it would have made one heck of a TLC reality show behind the scenes. 

Best Performance in a Comedic Role
The Favorites: MLU Jesus, UltiWhirled, USU Altimate; Sludge.  
Our Pick: UltiWhirled.
Nepotism is a bitch. Good luck next year, guys.

Best Performance in an Unintentionally Comedic Role
The Favorites: Rhino (Chasing Frisco), Blackbird (Back in Black), The Philly Spinners (Screw You Guys, We're Going Home)
Our Pick: Rhino
Rhino faces tough competition in this category from the Philly Spinners, who in 2013 went off to start their own pro league (MLU) after demolishing the 2012 AUDL…only to finish in last place against better competition (pretty darn funny, if you ask us).  But, in the end, we think Rhino’s epic end-of-season saga will prove too much to overcome.  A last-second change to Score Reporter to snag Streetgang’s bid, only to have Furious George play a questionable last-second ‘tournament’ against Voodoo to become Series-eligible…and ultimately steal Rhino’s bid.  That’s some dark, ironic comedy right there.

Best Performance in a Leading Troll
The Favorites: Ultiwhirled (The Mercy Rule); Brandon Malecek (Muffingate); NexGen (A League of Their Own).
Our Pick: Malecek
We were pretty proud of ourselves for getting the AUDL to respond seriously to a fake tweet, but even we acknowledge that we fell short of the masters.  When Muffingate swept smartphones across the country, most people took Malecek’s criticism of the Pulsar at face value.  Behind closed doors, however, Muffin actually loves the Pulsar. The entire blog-post explosion and subsequent suspension was just a ruse to get publicity for the league, team, and new Innova disc.  A flawless performance by Malecek, with a strong supporting performance by Jeff Snader and the MLU.

Best Bureaucratic Clusterfuck:
The Favorites: USAU (The Nationals Format Change); MLU (Muffingate); The AUDL (36 Teams LOL)
Our Pick: USAU
Although MLU and the AUDL each had some compelling cases this year, we’re still going with the last-minute USAU Club Championships format changes.  USAU (also nominated in this category for The Northwest Bid Allocation Disaster) managed to deliver an astounding performance in this category this year, despite an overall well-managed first TCT season.

Best Animated Short:
We're thinking Julia Roberts as Ng
The Favorites: Josh Markette (Ironside/Whitecaps); Brett Matzuka (Ring of Fire); Michelle Ng (Phoenix); Allison Maddux (Scandal)
Our Pick: Michelle Ng
Matzuka's quick, precise on-field performance is almost as amazing as his Charlie White-like hair.  But Michelle Ng brings the balance of on-field awesomeness and off-field activism better than anyone else.  She travels the country making the world better for women ultimate players.  This story just shouts Academy Award. 

Best Gender Mixing:
The Favorites: Team USA (all of them)
Our Pick: Team USA
This award isn't really in doubt. The US went undefeated in all three gender-divisions of U23 Worlds, as well as in the mixed-only World Games. Who cares if we suck at hockey? 

Best Original Score:
The Favorites: Tyler Kinley (Sockeye); Lisa Pitcaithley (U23 Worlds); Jeff Graham (Whitecaps); Cara Crouch (Showdown)
Our Pick: Pitcaithley 
Crouch did great to land hands-first, and Graham gets some serious bonus points for making SportsCenter. But we’re going with Pitcaithley all the way.  It's an international-competition layout grab through contact with a closing defender. Dang.

Best Visual Effects:
The Favorites: ESPN/Delrico Johnson (Superman); Sludge Ultimate (Logo Re-designs); USAU (NationalsTXEvent Guide)
Our Pick: ESPN/Johnson 
Johnson got his own segment on ESPN, without jokes about hippies or dogs, and they gave him a graphical overhaul to boot.  That’s hard to beat.   (Note: Sludge has done a lot of logo redraws this year.  Flip through the blog and twitter for them).

In Memoriam: Southpaw; New Jersey Hammerheads; MLU Jesus (for now); NexGen Tour; Nexgen League; Score Reporter; Fury’s Championship Streak; and Your Team’s Chances of Making Regionals since Alex Broke her Wrist Playing IM Basketball.