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Thursday, March 6, 2014

'Oh, Just Get a Room Already!' Declares Frustrated Ultimate Nation

The charged and awkward tension between Major League Ultimate and USAU has reached nearly unbearable levels in the last few days, and exasperated players across the country are telling the two distraught bureaucracies to just get it over with and screw before everyone else goes crazy. 

“Geeze, I wish they would just get it out of their systems already,” said Atlanta Ozone Captain Alison Douglas.  “It’s so obvious that they’re into each other, but neither one of them wants to admit it.  It’s getting really uncomfortable around here, and we can all see where this is going.” 

Definitely 3x hornier than before
The social heat has been escalating gradually over the last year and half, as MLU and USAU have been forced by mutual friends to spend a lot of time together, dancing around the uneasy and inconvenient truth of their clandestine carnal desires. 

“Lately it just seems they turn every little thing into an argument” said UNC Darkside captain Christian Johnson in a post-tournament interview at the Stanford Invite last weekend. 

Well now it looks like a condom wrapper...
“Someone gives a friend a couple of shirts, someone double-books the friends for the weekend...everything turns into some overblown fight, and all of a sudden it’s character attacks all out of proportion.  I wish they would just do it already, so we can go back to normal. It’s really uncomfortable to hang out with them right now.”

Apparently, USAU and MLU have been struggling with these secret feelings since late 2012, when MLU broke up from an intense, but unstable, year-long relationship with another league.  Still, the barely-concealed lustful glances and outright self-denial are starting to bother even some of the leagues' dearest friends. 

“Yeah, this is getting ridiculous,” said Tiina Booth, newly-retired coach of Amherst Ultimate.  “I mean, I taught high-schoolers for decades, and never once did I see anything this bad.  Crazy, stupid teenagers and their hormones, and none of them were as oblivious or as hung up as these two.  MLU and USAU just need to set pride aside and go for it, because this is, frankly, unsustainable.” 

It remains unclear when—or if—the two leagues will ever finally give in and share a night of spirited exchange.  One can only hope they’ll find some high release before their relationship is irreparably damaged.  The Ultimate Nation waits with bated breath.


MLU released the following statement via Twitter within minutes of this story’s publication:

“I don’t know what you guys are talking about. It’s not like that at all. USAU is just a jerk and annoying and gets on my nerves all the time”

“I mean, maybe USAU is into me, but there’s no way I’d go there. Not a chance.” 

USAU responded seconds later:

“Oh shut the f**k up, @MLUltimate. Get over yourself. Go back to the gym and lift some more. #jackass” 

“And when you’re done, go ahead & come back & stretch shirtless in front of everyone like you always do! Like anyone wants to see that!” 

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