Power of the Force Rankings: Women's Division

All the talk nowadays is about "seeding predictions," but we know you've really been hankering for another round of UltiWhirled Power Rankings.  This time: the Power of the Force Rankings, in which teams are paired up with appropriate Star Wars characters, and ranked accordingly.  Nobody gets to be Luke or Anakin. 

Just for fun, and to give it a little 'Club Championships' spin, we've included a "Frisco  Tip" for each team, a little piece of advice from UltiWhirled for finding success at Nationals. 

May the force be with you!

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See Also: Power of the Force Rankings: Men's Division

See Also: Power of the Force Rankings: Mixed Division

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1) Molly Brown: Princess Leia 

Can she hear a 'pick' through those?

Molly Brown is named after a famous feminist, one of the few survivors of a horrific disaster.  Leia Organa does well to pay tribute to that legacy.  She’s a powerful woman, a central character in a story that revolves too often around men deciding the fate of the galaxy.  Best Disney Princess ever.  

Frisco Tip: Send out a line with everyone sporting the Princess Leia double-cinnamon-bun hair.

2) Phoenix: Obi-Wan Kenobi

Obi-Wan is a good stand-in for Phoenix.  His emergence on Tatooine is a rebirth of sorts for the Jedi Order.  In a more personal sense, he sacrifices himself against Vader only to rise again more powerful than before.  Obi-Wan’s martyrdom reinforces Luke’s commitment to the Rebel Alliance, which is a pretty darn good thing, as it turns out.  

Frisco Tip: Hem the mysterious Jedi robes at mid-calf to avoid tripping. 

3) Fury: Emperor Palpatine 

Stalling one...come to the dark side

No Star Wars character better embodies Fury than Emperor Palpatine.  His reign of terror is seemingly unassailable, and he has an intimidating mental edge over all of his foes.  Sure, he can kill you with a blast of lightning if he wanted to, but he’d rather turn you over to the dark side, or watch you suffer in terror and pain.  

Frisco Tip: Sunblock.  Lots of sunblock. 

4) Brute Squad: Chewbacca

Chewie is a hilarious combination of brute strength and secret tenderness.  For some reason, everyone in the films understands the Wookie just fine, but the production crew doesn’t bother to subtitle him for the audience.  Kind of makes you wonder how many offensive Wookie curse words the FCC has broadcast, doesn’t it?  

Frisco Tip: Hydrate a lot; Dallas isn’t great with a fur coat. 

5) Scandal: Queen Amidala

Amidala is present for the three best political scandals in the prequel trilogy: her own secret double-life, her affair with Anakin (cradle robbing, that one), and Palpatine’s coup of the Galactic Senate.  Major bonus points for epic costume changes.  

Frisco Tip: Use the buddy system whenever possible.  It helps prevent getting lost or assassinated.

6) Nemesis: Darth Maul 

I bet you he throws with both hands

Darth Maul manages to totally dominate Episode I without saying a word.  His terrifying appearance, acrobatic swordplay, and perfect sense of the “OH SHIT!” moment more than make up for the lack of dialogue.  He’s the perfect nemesis for our Jedi…but he loses the big battle, which could be a bad sign for Nemesis.  

Frisco Tip: Don’t forget to throw in an unnecessary backflip with every deep cut. 

7) Schwa: C-3PO

Threepio is fluent in over six million forms of communication.  While we do wonder if any of those forms is a mating dance, we feel confident that this linguistic nerd is a good match for Schwa, whose name refers to a specific vowel sound.  Threepio’s main job throughout the series is comic relief, and Schwa may not be able to hope for much more than that in Texas.  

Frisco Tip: Try to drive your arms a little more while sprinting.

8) Showdown: “Duel of the Fates”

“Duel of the Fates” is that bone-chilling, dramatic opera-like song that plays in the background of all the major battles in the prequel trilogy.  It’s phenomenal battle music, and it totally sets the mood for the series.  As soon as the song starts, you know there’s about to be a major showdown.  Ass-kicking will ensue.  

Frisco Tip: Learn the words to “Duel of the Fates”; intimidate opponents by using it as a pre-game cheer. 

9) Riot: Wicket

Redefining squirrley. 

Wicket is that adorable Ewok that Leia befriends on the forest moon of Endor.  The Ewoks basically lead a riot—a popular uprising—of the apparently powerless against the soldiers of the Empire.  This success might be a good sign for Riot, who hope to finally bring an end to Fury’s reign as champion.  

Frisco Tip: Confiscate hats from every vanquished foe, so as to make a sweet drum set later in the weekend.

10) Nova: Greedo

Greedo’s appearance in Episode IV is brief, but it’s explosive and has far-reaching consequences.  Like Nova, he goes out with a bang, but he serves as a reminder that Han is no angel, and if threatened won’t hesitate to shoot first.  

Frisco Tip: Everyone in Texas is armed, so watch who you try to threaten in bars. 

11) Bent: Bib Fortuna 

You think he can throw with that?

Bib Fortuna is a weird dude.  He’s the pinkish guy at Jabba’s palace who has some kind of tentacle sprouting out of his head.  He seems to thrive on being as creepy as possible.  Off-screen, he has served as Jabba’s personal lackey for most of his adult life, even though he despises the Hutt so much that he has tried on multiple occasions to assassinate him.  If that’s not a little bent, we’re not sure what is.  

Frisco Tip: Respect disc space; stop creepily touching people.

12) Capitals: Coruscant

The capital of the republic, Coruscant is a city that covers a whole damn planet!  That’s worth a few points, for sure.  Unfortunately, there’s probably not a lot of green space to toss discs around, and building a city that big must have involved basically wiping out the entire planetary ecosystem and all of the native species.  

Frisco Tip: Leave the house early; it’s always rush hour somewhere in your city.

13) Heist: The Many Bothans who Died to Bring Us This Information

No one is quite sure who the Bothans are or what they look like, but we do know one thing: a lot of them died to pull off the most important heist in Star Wars—the theft of the Death Star plans.  Moment of silence.  Wait, maybe shouting.  Does anyone know how Bothans honor the dead?  

Frisco Tip: Be more careful when scouting other teams. 

14) Traffic: That One Star Destroyer that Totally Runs into the Death Star

Darth Vader’s personal Star Destroyer causes the biggest fender-bender of all time, when it crashes headlong into the Second Death Star.  The Battle of Endor is a fustercluck of an outerspace traffic jam, but how do you not see the freaking Death Star coming?  Traffic hopes to make an impact in Texas, but not that kind of impact.  

Frisco Tip: Check your mirrors before pulling out into the cutting lanes. 

15) Ozone: General Grevious 

He probably puts on a sweet mark.

General Grevious manages to wield four lightsabers at once, which you just know has to create a lot of ozone (SCIENCE!).  Unfortunatley, he’s so unoriginal for the Star Wars universe that he’s basically “Darth Vader: the Prequel.”  He’s more man than machine, speaks through a deep-voiced synthesizer, and has a nasty breathing problem.  

Frisco Tip: Don’t forget your inhaler.

16) Nightlock: Petranaki Arena

Nightlock takes its name from the Hunger Games series, so the team gets paired with Petranaki Arena, site of the chaotic melee in Episode II.  The good guys do win out, but the whole battle is part of Palpatine’s grand evil scheme, so the arena comes in dead last in the rankings.  

Frisco Tip: Zone is more effective than man when you’re outnumbered 50-to-1. 

Honorable Mention: Underground: Jawas

An early victory over wandering droids can’t prevent their eventual mass slaughter by imperial forces.  

Power of the Force Rankings: Men's Division

All the talk nowadays is about "seeding predictions," but we know you've really been hankering for another round of UltiWhirled Power Rankings.  This time: the Power of the Force Rankings, in which teams are paired up with appropriate Star Wars characters, and ranked accordingly.  Nobody gets to be Luke or Anakin.  

Just for fun, and to give it a little 'Club Championships' spin, we've included a "Frisco Tip" for each team, a little piece of advice from UltiWhirled for finding success at Nationals.  

May the force be with you! 

____________________________________

See Also: Power of the Force Rankings: Women's Division

See Also: Power of the Force Rankings: Mixed Divison

____________________________________

1) GOAT: Yoda

Violated my disc space, you have.

All claims to the contrary aside, GOAT’s acronym totally stands for Greatest Of All Time.  This year, they’re actually starting to look the part, so GOAT gets paired with the incomparable Yoda, the 900-year-old Muppet with telekinetic superpowers and an inexhaustible wealth of knowledge.

Frisco Tip: don’t go near the mixed fields unless you want to be picked up. 

2) Revolver: Han Solo

He may carry a blaster instead of a six-shooter, but Han Solo is the archetypal space cowboy.  Harrison Ford carries whole sections of the original trilogy, and best of all, the iconic “I Love you” / “I know” exchange goes down as the greatest ad-lib ever.  

Frisco Tip: Try the “Scoundrel” line at the tournament party. 

3) Machine: R2-D2

Of all the Star Wars machines, R2 is clearly the best.  He's hilarious and adorable, but he also plays a pivotal role, bringing Princess Leia’s desperate message to Obi-Wan and thereby facilitating the salvation of the Jedi and the rebel alliance and the overthrow of tyranny.  Not bad for an astro droid. 

Frisco Tip: Feel free to use those rockets when you’re going up for a disc; they should make up for the lack of hands. 

4) Ring of Fire: Mace Windu

Even Mace know's he's gonna get it. 

Only Samuel L. Jackson could pull of a character almost as badass as Johnny Cash.  Admittedly, Windu and Cash wouldn’t get along as far as pesky things like ‘rules’ are concerned, but the cool factor makes the comparison work anyway.  Unfortunately, Jackson’s characters have a propensity for dramatic and unpleasant death, which probably doesn’t bode well for Ring.  

Frisco Tip: Don’t turn your back on the young player; he’s volatile and not to be trusted. 

5) Sockeye: Admiral Ackbar

Great at triangulating.

It’s a trap! The fish from Seattle are a perfect match for the fish-faced admiral of the rebel fleet.  We fully expect teams to throw crazy junk zones against Sockeye, involving elaborate ruses and pretending that the battle station is not yet operational.  Spoiler alert: it’s operational. 

Frisco Tip: Target all firepower on the super star-destroyer.

6) Ironside: The Death Star

This giant metal ship can still destroy worlds at a moment’s notice, but people have figured out its fatal design flaw.  For some reason these guys keep building the same damn ship.  But I guess there’s still no way the rebel cruisers could repel firepower of that magnitude, right?  Right?  

Frisco Tip: Keep an eye out for small, one-man fighters; they can do more damage than you’d think. 

7) Doublewide: Imperial Walkers

Big, metal, and a little clunky, Imperial Walkers are a good analogue for the doublewide mobile home.  In battle, the Walkers are pretty tough to take down, and their scary height advantage makes them really fun to watch.  Plus, they’re modeled on elephants!  How cool is that?  

Frisco Tip: Watch out for tripwires on the field.

8) Chain Lightning: Count Dooku

The Emperor may have tossed some lightning around in the 80s, but Dooku has a greater flair for it in the prequel trilogy.  On the down-side, it takes for-freaking-ever to find out what the heck Dooku is even trying to accomplish in the movies, and he turns out just to be a lackey anyway, so he just barely cracks the Top 8 here.  

Frisco Tip: Capes are awful for Texas weather. 

9) Sub Zero: Carbonited Han Solo

Wait, weren't his hands tied?

He's less cool than regular Han Solo, but Carbonited Han Solo is  undoubtedly colder.  Han is so awesome that even in carbonite he's more awesome than most.  This frozen space cowboy provides one of the great cliffhangers in movie history, and as a bonus, shows us that Jabba is really just a Star Wars nerd himself: the Hutt won't even take his Han Solo action figure out of the box!

Frisco Tip: Stretch before first-round games.  Carbonite is rough on the muscles.  

10) Truck Stop: Mos Eisley Spaceport

You will never find a more wretched hive of scum or villainy.  Mos Eisley is one of the best mood-setting scenes ever shot; it introduces us to the grimy, hard-working, lived-in aesthetic of the Star Wars universe.  Still, the story outgrows the locale pretty quickly, and you don’t really miss it once it’s gone.  Bad omens for Truck.  

Frisco Tip: If you can’t win the tourney, win the party, cantina-style.

11) Furious George: That Douche Who Blew Up Alderaan

Minimum sanctioned games? Ha!

You probably tried to hold out a little hope for Alderaan, but you also sort of knew Governor Tarkin was going to blow it up anyway. He promised he’d play by the rules and spare the planet if Princess Leia gave up the rebels…but you never really believed he’d stick to the arrangement.  Following through on promised actions in exchange for agreed-upon rewards is just so…vulgar.  

Frisco Tip: More hair gel. Slick it back, boys.

12) Florida United: Tusken Raiders (Sand People)

While the Sand People may ride single file to hide their numbers, Florida took a different approach to stealth: don’t play elite teams.  So Florida comes into this saga as just as much of an enigma as the mysterious Sand People: they may be a highly skilled tribe of warriors, or they may be about to run away in fear from a wailing old man.  It’s hard to tell.  

Frisco Tip: Punctuate stalls with that crazy Sand-People howl.  Intimidation, baby!

13) PoNY: Tauntaun

And you thought PoNY smelled bad on the outside.  These space-ponies are the only riding-animal on an iceball world, and they don’t even have good cold tolerance.  On the bright side, at least they’re good for defrosting Jedi.  Just slice one open, insert hero, and hit the “Quick Cook” button.  

Frisco Tip: Keep an eye on the PoNY lion, or he might pounce on some Tauntaun flesh.  Everyone gets tired of gazelle.

14) Madcow: Rancor Beast

Just imagine him as a deep-deep.

Madcow’s character is enormous, scary, and appropriately mad.  Unfortunately, it gets itself captured and enslaved by Jabba the Hutt, and it can’t even withstand a single huge, spiked door to the brain-stem.  Claymation never had a chance against a Jedi Knight.  

Frisco Tip: Biting off opponents’ heads is probably a PMF. 

15) Johnny Bravo: Nubian Royal Starship

The closest thing in Star Wars to Bravo’s logo is the sleek, silver Nubian starship that Amidala flies around in.  It’s a pretty nifty ship but its main purpose is to break down and strand the heroes on Tatooine.  Now, one could argue that the whole Tatooine disaster was pre-ordained, but the mechanical failures still don’t exactly inspire confidence in Bravo.  

Frisco Tip: If your ship breaks down in the Texas desert, just call AAA. 

16) Condors: The Special Edition(s)

Seriously, why?!

Nobody was really expecting to see these guys hit the big screen again.  Now that they’re here it’s a little bit exciting that we all get to reminisce about their late-70s/early 80s heyday, but in reality the re-release is probably just another money-grab that will screw up our favorite stories with unnecessary visual tweaks and a really weird CGI musical number.

Frisco Tip: Don’t fuck with fanboys.

Honorable Mention: Garuda: Garven Dreis

“Almost there…almost there…”

USAU Seizes Power During Gov't Shutdown. Institutes Sweeping "Format Changes."

In a bold and unexpected move Tuesday morning, USA Ultimate took advantage of the current political crisis, stepping into the power vacuum created by today’s government shutdown and seizing control of the legislative branch of the United States government.  

"It's time to put the 'USA' in 'USAU'"-- New Senate Majority Leader Mike Payne

USA Ultimate CEO and Speaker of the House Tom Crawford delivered a prepared statement from the steps of the new USAU headquarters at the Capitol in Washington, DC.  

“As of 9:00AM this morning, October 1st, 2013, USA Ultimate has taken control of Congress, for the greater good of the American people” said Crawford. 

“The American people deserve leadership that will be courageous in its vision and assertive in its decisions,” continued Crawford.  “It has been long since Congress met that description. 

“We believe wholeheartedly in Spirit of the Game, and we know at our core that bringing SOTG to Congress will bring about exactly the legislative and deliberative competence that this country so desperately needs in the face of constant politicized bickering and grandstanding.”  

Crawford did not take questions, but USAU immediately distributed a list of sweeping “Format Changes” that the organization will be implementing through its new position in Congress.  All Format Changes take effect at start-of-business on Thursday, October 17th.  

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Governmental "Format Changes"

1. Congressional delegations will be split into Flights, according to yearly performance and effectiveness.  The worst delegations will be relegated (looking at you, South Carolina).
2. Each state will get one auto-senator.  The remaining 50 senate seats will be allotted based on the election-year performances of the respective state legislatures (bad news for North Carolina and Texas).
3. Championship matches in Congress will now be broadcast on ESPN3 instead of C-SPAN.
4. Close Congressional elections will be decided not by a runoff, but by final “regular season” polling results, taken on the last day prior to the election.
5. The Panda Cam will be reactivated immediately.
6. The tax code will now be simplified, but self-officiated.  The responsibility will be on each individual citizen not to cheat. 
7. Debate on contested bills can last for no more than 60 seconds before the bill is sent back to committee for a do-over.
8. After each session, representatives will be required to assign spirit scores to all 434 of their colleagues.  The scores will be published to shame the least-spirited representatives into better behavior (all eyes on Charlie Rangel).
9. To encourage political parties to back viable female candidates, every congressional committee and debate will now be required to field either a 4-3 or 5-2 gender ratio (offense dictates). 
10. A new Congressional Medal of Spirit will replace the Presidential Medal of Freedom as the government’s highest civilian honor
11. To curtail filibustering, members of Congress standing within three meters of a speaker who has gone off-topic during a filibuster will be able to announce “delay of game” and initiate the stall count.
12. Canadians will now be eligible for Social Security and Medicare, even though they already have their own system.  

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USAU Vice President and President Pro Tempore of the Senate Gwen Ambler addressed funding concerns at a press conference immediately following Speaker Crawford’s announcement.  

“This is not a spontaneous decision,” said Ambler.  “We have been planning this for years, carefully hoarding bid fees, membership dues, sponsorship funds, and donations from USAU members and supporters.  We have enough funding set aside to run the government for weeks if necessary while we ensure the peaceful transition of power and re-start the governing process.” 

Asked how USAU managed to hoard such vast sums of money without anyone noticing, Ambler replied, “Honestly, whenever anyone asked what we were doing with the money, we just did a bit of hand-waving and said something about ‘youth initiatives,’ ‘women’s development,’ or ‘coaching clinics,’ and nobody ever really followed up on it.  We relied on the generally trusting nature of ultimate players and the laziness of our largely-collegiate membership.

“We feel a little bit bad about keeping everyone in the dark, but national security priorities mandated discretion. Among our membership, email questionnaires indicated a high level of support for a USAU-led coup, so we felt confident that we were using the funds in a way that would appeal to the majority of members, not to mention US citizens more broadly.”  

Initial Gallup polling suggests that Ambler may have a point.  Gallup finds that, as of this moment, 63% of Americans approve of the USAU-led takeover of Congress, approval numbers not seen in the legislative branch since the passage of the 19th amendment. 

President Obama will address reporters at noon from the White House, where he is expected to announce, among other things, a partnership between USAU and First Lady Michelle Obama’s Let’s Move! campaign to combat childhood obesity.