All the talk nowadays is about "seeding
predictions," but we know you've really been hankering for another round
of UltiWhirled Power Rankings. This
time: the Power of the Force Rankings, in which teams are paired up with
appropriate Star Wars characters, and ranked accordingly. Nobody gets to be Luke or Anakin.
Just for fun, and to give it a little 'Club Championships'
spin, we've included a "Frisco
Tip" for each team, a little piece of advice from UltiWhirled for
finding success at Nationals.
May the force be with you!
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1) Cosa Nostra: Jabba
The Hutt
 |
| Probably a handler. |
Cosa Nostra takes its name from a popular term for the mafia,
and no Star Wars character is more
like an old-school mob boss than Jabba the Hutt. Immense, powerful, wealthy, and immune to
Jedi mind tricks, he’s the head of a criminal empire that dabbles in everything
from slavery, to smuggling, to leaving behind slime trails so gross they ought
to be illegal.
Frisco Tip: When a Jedi dressed
in orange gives you a warning, pay attention.
2) Wild Card: Lando
Calrissian
The ultimate wildcard, Lando appears suddenly in the plot
and dives headlong into shocking betrayal, the pursuit of redemption, and
eventual heroism on an epic scale. Lando
somehow managed to lose the fastest ship in the galaxy to Han Solo in a game of
cards, and we have a sneaking suspicion that he went all-in during a game of
Uno.
Frisco Tip: Double-check the
hyperdrive.
3) Drag’N Thrust: X-Wing
Small, one-man fighters.
No shit. These ships can hit a
womp-rat-sized target while under fire and hurtling down a narrow trench. And they look totally sweet, too. Sure, nobody’s quite sure why the wings flip
out like that, but it kind of gives the whole thing a Lamborghini feel. Drag’N Thrust gets the X-Wing
because…well…they fly and breathe fire (sort of).
Frisco Tip: Don’t let Porkins drive.
4) The Ghosts: Spectral
Jedi
 |
| Seriously, why did this change? |
This one’s a touch obvious, perhaps, but the spectral
spirits of the dead Jedi Masters are pretty awesome nonetheless. Bonus points for “Use the force, Luke.” Un-bonus points for subbing Hayden
Christensen into the Return of the Jedi
DVD.
Frisco Tip: It’s not a pick if
you’re incorporeal.
5) 7Express: The Millennium
Falcon
If any team can make the Kessel Run in under twelve parsecs,
it’s 7 Express, named after an express train route in New York’s subway
system. Apparently the “Super-Express”
train runs straight to Mets games, but, really, who wants to go see the Mets? The Falcon, on the other hand, is great—even
if it is a little dirty and heavily used.
Frisco Tip: Do not hide in that cave.
Trust us.
6) 7 Figures: The Cloud
City
7 Figures is a self-described golf and polo club, interested
in the expensive and fine things in life.
The Cloud City is basically the country club of Star Wars. The Cloud City is
short on defensive systems, but it’s the site of the most epic reveal in movie
history.
Frisco Tip: you might want to
throw some locks on the doors to your utility tunnels. Someone could get hurt
down there.
7) Odyssee: Mon Mothma
 |
| Coach of the Year |
Mon Mothma is calm and reserved on-screen, dishing out
orders on how to destroy the Death Star, but she has a seriously epic history
behind the scenes, an odyssey (get
it?) that includes imprisonment, escape, war, and the founding of the Rebel
Alliance. Like Mon Mothma, Odyssee is a
mystery, and much of their story happens off-screen (in Canada, in French, no
less), so you’ll probably never know about it.
Frisco Tip: Lighten up a bit; you’re dragging the mood down in the
mission briefings.
8) Chad Larson Experience:
Figrin D’An and the Modal Nodes
 |
| Wait, who did I have? |
Yes. That’s the name
of the cantina band. Let that soak in
for a minute. Much like CLX, the cantina
band is simultaneously bizarre and positively normal. The Nodes help to set the tone for that
Cantina scene, and they have that one really sweet song. If the Chad Larson Experience can achieve the
same energy at whatever passes for a Daiquiri Deck in Frisco, they should have
a great weekend.
Frisco Tip: Try
something with lyrics.
9) Ambiguous Grey: Boba
Fett
Who is Boba Fett?
That’s a clone question, bro. The
kickass bounty hunter is one of the most ambiguous characters in the original
trilogy. Is he a good guy because he
hunts down criminals, or a bad guy because the criminals he hunts are the good
guys? Where did he get that sweet
jetpack? Why doesn’t he speak? Most importantly, did he manage to survive the
Sarlacc pit, or was he slowly digested over the course of a thousand
years? We may never know.
Frisco Tip: Silent stalling doesn’t
count.
10) Slow White: Storm
Troopers
They’re slow, they’re dressed in white, and they can’t aim
for shit. You can count on one hand the
blaster shots that storm troopers manage to land in the original trilogy. Not a good sign for Slow White’s deep game. To top it off, they’re absolutely terrible at
hide-and-seek (hint: those were the droids you were looking for).
Frisco Tip: Use cute animal stickers on your
helmets to express your individuality.
11) Cahoots: Watto
Watto is totally a sleaze-ball, but he probably fits right
in with Cahoots…primarily because he’s in cahoots with several other shady
characters to run his price-gouging chop shop.
You know he’s a seedy fellow when Qui-Gonn has to invoke the Hutts to
keep Watto honest.
Frisco Tip: Save
money on team hotel rooms by challenging manager to a roll of the chance cube.
12) Polar Bears: Wampa
 |
| Doesn't wear cleats. |
The giant space-yeti that thrashes Luke in the beginning of Empire Strikes Back is pretty vicious and intimidating. He thrives in the sub-zero temperatures of Hoth, but a simple lightsaber amputation sends him running. You have to feel iffy about his chances of holding up well in the Texas heat.
Frisco Tip: Swing by the Savage tent if you’re looking for a date.
13) Mischief: Salacious
Crumb
Few characters in Star
Wars bring as much raw enjoyment of life to the table as Mischief does to
ultimate, but Salacious Crumb might be one of them. For the uninitiated, Crumb is that weird critter
who hangs out next to Jabba and shrieks with laughter whenever anyone does
anything. He seems like a mischievous
guy, and his name is Salacious Crumb, so we totally had to include him.
Frisco tip: Watch out for droids with Tasers!
14) Steamboat: The Stolen
Imperial Shuttle
It’s hot property, it’s beat-up, it has totally B.S.
security codes, and it definitely shouldn’t have worked…but, hey, it did! Similarly, Steamboat seems like they have absolutely
no business getting past the Frisco defense shield, but for some unknown reason
Darth Vader seems to have let them through.
Frisco Tip: I don’t know…fly casual.
15) AMP: Sebulba
 |
| That fast cutter who can't turn well. |
We struggled a bit with this one, but we settled on Sebulba
for a few reasons. He’s a highly-ranked
favorite in competition. He’s always
amped to the limit, on the racetrack and off. He’s also the guy we could most easily imagine
spitting on an opponent during a match (too soon?).
Frisco Tip: Cops in Texas aren’t allowed to
exceed 275mph, so if you get pulled over, just gun it.
16) The D’OH Abides:
Jar-Jar Binks
D’OH Abides draws the most Simpsonian of Star Wars characters: Jar-Jar
Binks. He’s a slapsticky fool, who never
seems to learn from his mistakes, and he mostly just gets in the way of sensible
people trying to avert war. He has good
intentions, but he’s more likely to inadvertently bring about the end of
democracy than help. Thanks, D’OH.
Frisco Tip: To ease tensions, resolve all contested calls in a thick
Gungan accent.
Honorable Mention: Blackbird: Admiral Motti
He barely survives an early choking incident at the hands of Vader, only to be
blown straight to hell in the Battle of Yavin.
Yikes.
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