Donald Trump was elected Captain at your team’s annual meeting last night. The final results are still being tabulated, but analysts are in near-universal agreement that Trump’s election threatens to tear the team apart before the Series gets underway.
Despite a week of aggressive attacks by the team’s longest-tenured players, the Donald won out by a surprising margin. His promise to “Make the Team Great Again” resonated with players, despite an utter lack of specifics on how he planned to achieve this renaissance.
Trump’s Campaign Platform:
- Make the Team Great Again
- Build a “Yuge, Beautiful Wall” as the foundation of the team’s defense, with all the tall players up front. In fact, he’ll make the other team’s players join the wall, too.
- Get roster spots back from China.
- Beat all the other teams. All of them. We’ll just beat them.
- The classiest, most luxurious golden uniforms. Alternate colors: white-on-white-on-white.
- All local fields will be renamed Trump Field, so we can use them whenever we want.
- No Muslim players. Or Mexicans. They’re terrorists and rapists, and some of them, he's sure, are nice people, but it’s too dangerous to risk a roster spot until we can figure out what the hell is going on.
- All player nicknames will be drawn from famous historical dictators, because on some level you gotta' respect a guy who's a leader, unlike Obama or the other Washington hacks.
- Disputed calls will be settled via waterboarding, and a heck of a lot worse, because even if it doesn't work, they deserve it. And we'll go after their families on the sidelines, too.
- Female players who challenge him will be benched for a week, so they can get off their period or whatever.
Speaking to a crowd of 15,000 supporters gathered outside Allison's house after the meeting, Trump displayed the characteristic confidence and bluster that has won over so many of your teammates:
“We’re gonna’ have the best plays, and we’re gonna’ have the best people in charge of coming up with our plays, and we’re gonna’ do a lot of great things to turn this team around and make the team great, like we used to be, before all these bozos took control. You're gonna' love this team, and everyone will love this team. And we’ll be looking at a lot of different ways to make that happen.”
“And it starts with China, and it starts with Mexico!” added the Donald, to raucous applause.
The upset comes after a week of criticism by team leaders, whose favored candidates garnered underwhelming support from the average players. Mr. Trump—whom leadership characterized as an unathletic first-year player with no clue what he’s doing on the field—somehow kept gaining support all week, mystifying pundits and team elders alike.
“I know he doesn’t have a flick, and he has no idea what the rules are, but that’s part of what makes him so appealing. He’s really rich and he says what he wants to say, which is what I think our team needs right now,” said Miriam, a Trump supporter.
“I just think he’s the right guy to make this team great again. He’s the only one who can help us beat all the other teams—and that bitch, Hillary Clinton.”
Trump’s sarcastic, irreverent grandstanding seems to have resonated with players who are tired of what they see as liberal-activist calls for Spirit and Sportsmanship. Said Trump at his victory speech:
“The other teams totally stink, and they’re all just pathetic losers. And our cheers are gonna’ reflect that. And I’ll tell you what else, we aren’t going to worry about political correctness either! I dare USAU to come after us! We’re gonna’ sue the pants off them. We’ll sue them so hard they’ll go running for Canada, or Sweden. And they can take Bernie Sanders with them. And that’s how we’re gonna’ Make This Team Great Again! Thank you!”
The gathered masses erupted into orgasmic ethnocentric cheers as Trump waved and walked offstage, flanked by several Secret Service agents—all of whom appeared to be seriously questioning their career choices.
Outgoing Captain Derek spoke with Ultiwhirled after the election, saying:
“Frankly, I'm saddened and disappointed that so many of my reasonable teammates felt they had better things to do last night than come to the team meeting. I really didn’t think our team had a white-supremacist caucus.”