Bowdoin Players Test Positive for Performance-Enhancing Defense

In a shocking development, sources from USA Ultimate confirmed today that samples taken from the Bowdoin women’s team, Chaos Theory, at the D-III College Championship this past weekend tested positive for performance-enhancing defense. 

Chaos Theory won the D-III national title this weekend this weekend in Milwaukee, capping off an undefeated season.

“Bowdoin’s tests showed elevated levels of defense, almost across the board,” said Mike Kinsella, Chair of USA Ultimate’s Conduct Committee.  “Defense is, of course, naturally occurring in ultimate players, but the tests on Bowdoin’s players revealed implausibly high concentrations.  We at USA Ultimate take this positive test extremely seriously, and we will be handling the situation appropriately.” 

The precise consequences are unclear, as this is the first time a team has tested positive.  Kinsella declined to specify precisely which players had tested positive for D, or for what forms of defense, citing privacy pending the results of a full inquiry. 

“All I can say at this time is that a significant majority of Bowdoin’s players were on D for most of the tournament,” said Kinsella. 

Kinsella described the overall rate of defense among Bowdoin’s players as, “stunning and unprecedented.”

Several tournament officials originally raised the issue while watching Bowdoin complete one of the most dominant seasons in college ultimate history.  Chaos Theory won the title in a 15-5 blowout over Williams, allowing an average of just 4.7 goals per game over six games at D-III Nationals. 

That’s 4.7 goals per game. 

At Nationals. 

In fact, only once this season did any team score as many as 10 goals against the eventual national champions (it was Middlebury back on Mar 30^th). 

Bowdoin does not plan to contest the raw test-results, but plans instead to appeal based on an alternate explanation: that the elevated levels of defense were indeed natural.  A player for Chaos Theory spoke to UltiWhirled under conditions of anonymity. 

“Look, yes, we probably showed up as having a lot more defense than most teams this weekend,” said the player.  “But that’s really just because we kept crushing people.  Your body just naturally produces more D when you beat people into the ground by 10, 11, 12 points, game after game.  I’m confident that our appeal will be upheld.” 

Only time will tell.