MLU Poké-Rankings

Sometimes power rankings just don't catch your attention anymore.  UtliWhirled has the solution.  Here are your MLU Poké-Rankings, for when you gotta’ rank ‘em all!

Each team is assigned an appropriate pocket monster, and teams are ranked accordingly.  Nobody gets to be a legendary.  Generations I and II only. 

Jolteon is easily the best Eevolution. 

#1—DC Current (Jolteon)

Type: Electric

Description: The faster-than-thou badass glass cannon that evolves from Evee at the use of a thunderstone. 

Verdict: Seriously, Jolteon is a total BAMF.  He may not be able to take too many hits, and he’ll struggle if he gets matched up against ground types (looking at you, Golem), but he can basically one-shot anything that’s water, flying, or doesn’t have crazy special defense (again, looking at you, Golem, with a Shadow Ball).  He matches up well against most of the Pokémon here, so watch out!  He’s a true ace. 

#2—Boston Whitecaps (Lapras)

Type: Water/Ice

Description: The ancient plesiosaur comes back to rain…well…rain, but also hail and destruction down on its foes. 

Verdict: She’s enormous, adorable, and totally down to give you a ride to and from Cinnabar Island when you need to Missingno Glitch some Master Balls.  She can throw either Surf or Ice Beam and crush.  Outstanding type coverage with great stats (particularly HP and Special Defense) and a formidable foe.  Most importantly, she laughs in the faces of basically all of Lance’s Pokémon, particularly his Dragonites (quad weakness to Ice Beam…lol). 

#3—Seattle Rainmakers (Blastoise)

Type: Water

Description: The powerful hard-shelled starter Pokémon that makes you realize turtles don’t stay cute for long. 

Verdict: Aside from being an awesome water-type that can crush through physical or special attacks, and has some really strong defense, Blastoise gets bonus points for two reasons.  First, he’s the final stage of a starter, so there’s an emotional attachment.  Once you’ve gone through Rock Tunnel with someone, there’s no going back.  Second, he has freaking water cannons sticking out of his back!  Suck it, TMNTs, Blastoise is a hero in a whole shell. 

#4—San Francisco Dogfish (Vaporeon)

Type: Water

Description: The beautiful waterdog that packs quite a punch and evolves from Evee at the use of a waterstone. 

Verdict: Vaporeon is awesome, particularly if you didn’t pick Squirtle as a starter.  Lots of HP and good offensive abilities, and a particularly cool-sounding cry.  The problem is that with both Lapras and Blastoise also on the list, it’s kind of hard to see why you’d ever go with Vaporeon—particularly when you could turn your Evee into the much-cooler Jolteon.  

#5—Philadephia Spinners (Hitmontop)

Type: Fighting

Description: The slightly off-kilter little brother of Hitmonlee and Hitmonchan that can’t seem to keep upright. 

Verdict: He’s definitely the coolest of the pure-fighting Pokémon, and if you’ve ever played Pokémon Stadium II, you know all about his sweet minigame.  Unfortunately, he’s still a fighting-type, which is just kind of lame over-all.  Still, he gets a lot of points just for being so darn silly. 

#6—New York Rumble (Golem)

Type: Ground/Rock

Description: The sturdy boulder-with-limbs that could explode at any moment.  Final stage of Geodude.

Verdict: Golem is really scary-looking, and he has a ton of defense, along with a pretty solid attack-score.  You do not want to be on the wrong end of his Earthquake attack (especially if you’re Jolteon), or his Explosion.  Still, he’s just too slow to crack the top half, particularly with how weak his type matchup is. 

#7—Vancouever Nighthakws (Murkrow)

Type: Dark/Flying

Description: The crafty little bird that always seems to know more than it lets on.

Verdict: Murkrow is cool as an idea (seriously, a dark-energy monster with wings!), but his stats just kind of stink.  He’s the kind of Pokémon that was really missing a second evolution when introduced.  Unfortunately, even when he got it…speed was still an issue.  But at least he turned into a pimp.

#8—Portland Stags (Stantler)

Type: Normal

Description: The odd stag with the hypnotic antlers.  Look at them.  Stare deep into them…

Verdict: Stantler was always one of those kind of interesting Pokémon that you’d never actually use.  He’s got a really fun avatar and a neat set of attacks (hypnosis featuring prominently).  But he just still manages to suck because he’s so weak.  He’s definitely another one that just desperately needed a second stage to become anywhere close to helpful.  Alas, he never got one, so he comes in dead last here.