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Monday, May 20, 2013

Pro Ultimate Potter Rankings

There's been a lot of talk about Power Rankings for the pro ultimate teams, but sometimes those rankings just don't go far enough.  You all loved our Super-Power rankings the other week, but even those seemed to lack a bit of magic.  So, without further ado, UltiWhirled presents: the Pro Ultimate Potter Rankings.  

Each pro team is assigned an appropriate character from the Harry Potter novels, and the teams are ranked accordingly.  Nobody gets to be Harry. 

1) San Francisco Dogfish (MLU): Dumbledore
One of the greatest wizards of all time. 
Energetic, funny, wise, and deadly, he seems always to have a little something extra up his sleeve.  He may suffer a loss here or there, but if he’s killed off before the finals, the world would be totally devastated and lost without him.  

2) Toronto Rush (AUDL): Hermione Granger
The smartest kid in class. 
She’s absolutely brilliant and irrepressibly urgent in her need to share that brilliance.  She may get teased for having a different ethnic heritage from most wizards, but she continually embarrasses her peers in the face of prejudice. 

3) Madison Radicals (AUDL): Mad-Eye Moody
The wily, old dark-wizard hunter.
He’s an all-around badass who’s been through a lot and come out even more determined to defeat his enemies.  Sometimes you think he can see right through you.  Still, there’s something just a little…off…about him.  He might not be quite sane.  He eats fried cheese curds, after all.

4) Windy City Wildfire (AUDL): Professor McGonagall
The demanding and intimidating professor.
She’s as powerful as she is relentless, and she seems like she can take on—or give detention to—the world.  An extremely powerful witch, she is not to be crossed, either in class or on the battlefield; those who dare usually suffer the consequences, often in point differential.

5) Seattle Rainmakers (MLU): Hagrid
The gargantuan groundskeeper. 
He’s lovable and cheerful, and really into gardening.  But that gentle demeanor shouldn’t fool you; he’s a powerful and ferocious defender when messed with.  He’s always equipped with an umbrella, in case of rain or the need to curse obnoxious cousins.

6) Philly Spinners (MLU): Voldemort
The looming threat of destruction.
He’s matched in terrifying potential only by the greatest of wizards.  In years past, he once dominated all foes and unleashed a reign of evil…but has recently been relegated to seeming irrelevancy.  Still, even the bravest are secretly worried that he might not be gone forever, and there’s a note of fear whenever the subject of the Spinners is brought up.

7) NY Rumble (MLU): Ginny Weasley
The best friend’s little sister. 
She starts off almost too timid to talk, and she seems completely overmatched.  But as she matures she becomes a formidable young witch who might just be a key, if underrated, player in shaping the battle against evil. 

8) Cincinnati Revolution (AUDL): Dobby
The house elf revolutionary. 
The spirit of revolution, this rebellious house elf seeks to overthrow the wizarding oppressors.  His enthusiasm is endearing, and you can’t help but root for him.  Still, he’s very likely to go out in a tragic blaze of glory. 

9) DC Current (MLU): Neville Longbottom
The guy who you just know can be better.
He gets crapped on with regularity in the first half of the narrative, but there’s something there…and every once in a while he shows you a spark that makes you wonder.  A small part of you really hopes he turns out to be the Chosen One, after all.  He probably won’t, but he might still provide some last-minute heroics. 

10) DC Breeze (AUDL): The Weasley Twins
The practical jokers.
They’re bright and hilarious pranksters who constantly liven the mood as their way of resisting evil.  They conjured a fake swamp in the hallway outside Umbridge’s office, and fired their coach a week before the season started.  They’re likely to drop out of school early, but you have to love them anyway. 

11) Minnesota Wind Chill (AUDL): Sirius Black
The man on the run.
He’s a rebellious dog who had a really rough go of it for a while there, only to emerge and put a total smackdown on someone.  Still, he has so much anger built up that you can’t really see everything working out too well in the long term, and he’ll probably end up back in hiding, or worse.

12) Philadelphia Phoenix (AUDL): Fawkes
The headmaster’s legendary pet.
Phoneix tears have healing powers.  When the story started, the Phoenix seemed on the verge of death, but a recent resurgence has everyone thinking that they could take down even a basilisk if necessary. 

13) Portland Stags (MLU): James Potter
The long-deceased father. 
Though he was dead from the beginning, his noble and heroic spirit lives on and helps give shape to the protagonist’s journey.  The stag-shaped patronus may show up from time to time to vanquish enemies, but it’s really only an echo of the fallen father. 

14) NY Empire (AUDL): Fleur Delacour
The enchantingly beautiful witch from France. 
She’s part-veela, which makes it magically difficult to resist liking her.  When you first saw her you thought that a pretty face and a cool hometown were about all she had going for her, but eventually you realize that she’s actually a really admirable woman who’s got a lot going on beneath the surface.  That she marries Bill is just bonus points.

15) Vancouver Nighthawks (MLU): Viktor Krum
A powerful wizard and skilled athlete from a foreign land. 
He’s a fine enough person, and a great wizard, who can do some amazing things with a wand or a broomstick, but you can’t really bring yourself to cheer for him when he’s working against the protagonist (not to mention getting in the way of the whole Ron-Hermione thing).  The hooked, hawk-like nose only strengthens the comparison.  

16) Boston Whitecaps (MLU): Cedric Diggory
The golden boy. 
He’s pretty much perfect.  He’s smart, attractive, efficient, honorable, athletic, and he always seems to succeed at everything he does.  The problem: who wants to root for someone like that?  He’s just…too perfect, especially when he’s opposed to Harry.  You just know he’s going down. 

17) Rochester Dragons (AUDL): Norbert, the Norwegian Ridgeback
The dragon hatchling. 
At first he seems like an adorable comedic subplot, but he turns out to be the source of a lot more trouble than anyone could have imagined.  Never buy dragon’s eggs from anonymous strangers in a bar; you could be getting in over your head.  

18) Indianapolis Alleycats (AUDL): Crookshanks
The suspiciously intelligent cat.
He’s pretty awesome for a cat, but he mostly just serves to point out the rat.  There’s a sense at first that there might be some great secret to be revealed, but time runs out and the character just kind of fades from the narrative.

19) Detroit Mechanix (AUDL): Argus Filch
The crotchety school custodian. 
He used to be pretty scary back in the day, and he's none too fond of a joke, but as time passed, it turned out that he might not have as much magic as everyone once feared.  Still, if those Kwikspell courses work, watch out: he could be terrifying. 

20) New Jersey Hammerheads (AUDL): Blast-Ended Skrewts
An unholy mess of magical gene-splicing. 
They started out with a bang, but it was all down hill from there.  Various parts seem to be matched up at random, and their best use seems to be making people’s lives difficult.  

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